How To Circumcise Government-of-Uganda Style

Up until recently circumcision in Uganda was carried out without the assistance and guidance of the government, which includes Mr Simon Lokodo.

He is not Father Simon Lokodo. Fathers have sex.

Dat ass, though!
Dat ass, though!

This changes now, as the GoU prepares to release guidelines for circumcision.


You are not going to read all those words. Due mostly to ain’t nobody gatting time for that. But then how will you know the guidelines?


This is how the new media, ie bloggers, beat the traditional media. I will break it down in easily-digestible bullet points.


  • Males only. No chicks. No birds. No FGM.
  • Applicants must be naked from the waist down. NO CROCS ALLOWED.
  • Erection will be treated as a breach of ethics and will be disposed of by Nurse Belinda.
  • No refunds, no returns.
  • Foreskins remain the property of the Government of The Republic of Uganda and the Ministry of Internal Affairs.
  • All circumcisions taking place outside the official working hours of 9:00am to 5:00pm shall be treated as null and void and shall have to be repeated during the gazetted official working hours.
  • Crying shall be restricted to the following types.
    • Like a baby
    • Like a little bitch
    • Like a pussy
  • Crying like the following shall not be tolerated.
    • Like a dick
    • Like a little prick
    • Like an animal trapped in the underarm of a fisherman
  • No ‘O’ faces during the procedure
  • Vote NRM