How To Be Nominated: Aka you can run, but ..

 

At last, after Sevo, Amama and Besigye were nominated, we saw Kakya, Bwanika, Mabiriizi, Baryamureeba and Sseya, the curtain-raisers for the elections of next year, get their stamps.

This is a factual, accurate, absolutely honest and scientifically reliable and completely and utterly true transcript of what happened when each of them went into the office with Badru Kiggundu.

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Badru: Name?

Candidate: (Gives name)

Badru: So, how can I help you?

Candidate: I have come to be nominated for presidential candidate, please.

Badru: Sorry. We are only taking nominations for 2016. Come back another day.

Candidate: I actually want to be nominated for 2016.

Badru: For reals? Shit, man. How boring is your life? You have nothing better to do than to start a gruelling and emotionally punishing four-month journey that will culminate in certain failure? What’s your name again?

Candidate: (Gives name)

Badru: See? You told me your name less than a minute ago. I wrote it down. But I still don’t remember it. And you think you are going to be president. Gerrarahere is a good option.

Candidate: Uganda needs change and if nobody rises up to challenge the status quo, how will we ever see that change?

Badru: Oh,  you think you are special. You think you are special. And you are. Anyone can fail to be president, but it takes a very particular kind of idiot to spend time, money and effort in pursuit of this failure.

Candidate: Just process my forms, please?

Badru: Do you have a manifesto? Somewhere among the tangles of self-delusion that convinced you this wasn’t the worst idea since Diamond Platimums thought, “I don’t need a condom. She is old.” is there a manifesto? What does it say about the environment and wasting trees and making litter?

Candidate: When I become president I will have you fired, Kiggundu. This is not the last you are hearing of me.

Badru: (Signs papers.) Yes it is. Next!

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