In addition to being a conceited maniac, superhero and Kendrick Lamar’s secret ghostwriter, I am also an accomplished communications professional with many years experience under my belt and many skills garnered during countless battles in the most unforgiving conditions you can imagine. By that I mean I worked in Uganda where people have thick heads.
This does not mean I have become extremely good at communicating, but it does mean I have become extremely good at knowing exactly what is wrong with the way people in Uganda communicate, and that is why I can advise you richly and authoritatively on how to improve your game.
Today I am going to teach you how to stop wasting everyone’s time, including God’s. Presenting How To Be A Good Street Preacher:
Audience: You are doing it wrong.
Usually for communication to take place the audience has to stay in one place. You guys stand on the street yelling. I can’t believe you have not seen the immediate flaw in this technique. The guy in the blue shirt who was passing when you said your first sentence (“The Lordah wants you to knowah on thisi dayah”) will be across the road by the time you get to the second part. He will never hear what the Lord wants him to know this day because he will be on Luwum street by the time you get to the next part.
You will continue rasping, “Thatah the time is running outah and any timah any time nowah” by now it will be a woman in red pants hearing you. She may understand that time is running out but she won’t know who wants her to know this: the Lord? Besigye? Ben 10? It’s not clear. She wasn’t there when you started your sentence.
Then when you finish the sentence she will have gone into Ivory Plaza and won’t even know what is going to happen when time runs out. That fragment will be lost on a woman in a hijab. Do you see where you are going wrong? You are not giving anyone the message. You are giving each person just an incomplete fragment of the message. You might as well just shut up and leave us in peace.
Caputre Your Audience.
Traffic Jams. Inside the Taxi. At the ATM queue. At the stage during rush hour when taxis to Bweyogerere have refused to show up. That’s where you need to be. There you will be able to at least get five minutes of consistent message delivered from beginning to end. Either that or a proper church.
Alternatively: Break your message down into bite-size bits.
Advertisers know that we don’t have a lot of time to listen to their shit so they tend to try to condense their message into brief emotive slogans. Like: “Pepsi: Dare for more.” It makes as much sense as a wedding dress woven out of tilapia entrails when you look at it on the surface, but what you don’t know is that Pepsi has a secret lab where they carry out mind-control experiments to affect our subconscious and hypnotise us using bright colours and special phrases. “Dare For More”, for example, makes us crave caffeine and processed sugar and food colourings.
Now, I am not saying that the saints should turn to such dishonourable means to spread the word but I think slogans could help. Just say, “It’s either Jesus or hell.” That’s short enough a message to catch and internalize in the time it takes for the average sinner to walk past a street preacher.
Now, this might be controversial, but hear me out. I don’t mean like sexy skimpily dressed dancing round a pole. I’m just saying, people are more likely to pay attention to an attractive woman in a smart chaste charcoal coloured suit and dimples and a ka-nice like Yvonne Koreta voice, even if she is telling them that their whoremongering ways are going to lead them to sheol for endless conflagration.
I am going to stop here because Public Order Management Bill prohibits blog posts of over 700 words. Also you have read enough for now. Okbye.
Mbogos removed courtesy of Sir-Khen Agutamba