My fellow Ugandans.
It’s me President Mabiriizi.
As you know, I have been your president since the unfortunate events of February when, as you remember, the aliens, having decided that they were tired of attacking the US and getting their butts whupped, decided to try their luck with Uganda. They took Sevo, Besigye and Amama. Biraaro went to fight them off and is now in Djibouti leading the resistance there, Bwanika got a record deal with Def Jam and left the country and, so, since nobody at all, no one in their right or wrong minds, nobody with an ouce of any matter in their heads could vote for Kyalya, the EC had no choice but to inagurate me as president.
So hi, guys. This is the state of the nation address.
Sorry about the delay in starting. The microphone had problems. The electrician could not find the abductor to plug in the speaker. It was kind of my fault, because I called Badru Kigundu to do it, but he says that’s not his job. I was like, “Aren’t you the head of the electrical commision?” The phone went doooop. When I tried to call back the woman said the subscriber I had called had switched off.
It sounded like Kacungira. Nancy, how do you know when Badru’s phone is off?
Anyway, I am here at last. I had gone to the wrong venue at first. I thought this was going to happen in the toilet. I had gone to take off my pants and piss. Then it was explained to me that it is State of The Nation Adress not of urination undressed.
But it is a learning process.
I start by enumerati..enomera–enyumma… by listing my achievements so far in my term as your president.
Uganda broke the continental record for applications to Big Brother House this year. Ragga Dee is still in the house, so since you refused to make him mayor at lease vote for him there.
I told you during my campaigns that I was going to have women in all positions, including women on top and women on the bottom. I am pleased that doggy has been eradicated in Uganda thanks to my policies.
I am pleased to announce that I have fully eradicated El Nino from Uganda and now my government is providing free sunshine to all Ugandans. We intend to ensure that by the end of the financial year this sunshine will be available to every Ugandan 24 hours a day.
We had a great problem of unemployment among the youth. Our youth graduating from universities and not being able to find jobs suiting their degrees. Under the past regime we had university graduates forced to become boda boda riders and rolex cooks and car washers yet they had degrees. I have gone a long way in tackling that problem by having universities introduce courses in Bachelor of Arts in Rolex technology, bachelor of Science in Boda Studies and bachelor of science in vehicle hygiene. Now the youth of Uganda can graduate and wash my car. Aluta continua.
I have also tackled the issue of under utilization of natural resources by making socialites stop being so bloody useless with the Socialite Act which forces all socialites to ride on pioneer buses and give rabadubs to passengers every Friday. Good work.
As for the economy, we have been successful in sustaining and maintaining the economy. As you can all see when you look around, the economy is still here.
We have increased employment by making Jennifer Musisi work as a hawker in traffic jams. Just so she can also see what it is like.
Under my regime, unlike past regimes which failed to deliver on their promises, Navio, not only released songs in Luganda, he even did an interview with Bukedde. After all, he said he is in a league with Elly, Philly and Afrigo.
The use of tear gas and police brutality to quell university strikes has gone down to zero percent under my presidency. I would like to congratulate my minister of education Venomous Baryamureeba for introducing kiboko to tertiary institutions. They gon learn today. Because that is what took them to uni in the first place.
As you can see my presidency has had success after success. Some people have been complaining about inflation, poverty, infrastructure development, and some juju called balance of payments and my call to the minister of finance SK Mbuga to put a sunroof in the debt ceiling. People can hate. Never to appreciate. I am busy, too busy to deal with inflation right now, okay? I have to make sure Uganda does not become a homosexual country, so I have to finish my programme to seal all buttholes in the nation by end of this quarter. I will deal with the rest later.
Now let us sing the national anthem and we go so our MPs can finish their naps at home.