Here Comes The Bourne Machine. But Bourne with a P.

This month is the month the Uganda government ships in that infamous 3 billion shilling porn machine minister Semen Lokodo told us about the other day.

No, your autocorrect is the one putting its own things. That is not what I said.

The only porn machine you known of is from that clip you saw once online where the woman took her clothes off, switched it on, sat on it and it began to move, much to her delight.

I need to reassure Ugandans who are right now preparing to commit mass suicide at the idea that they live in a country whose government spends that much money on a dildo. That is not what is coming — I mean not what is going to arrive in Uganda. Gavumenti is not spending money on a 300 dollar sex toy.

Lokodo tells us that what he and his government cohorts have purchased is a machine that detects pornographic material on phones and computers.

Now you people. I really consider myself a humourist. A comedic writer. I come here trying to make up funny things to make you laugh.

But when the most hilarious part of the post is the part you didn’t make up it kind of makes me feel inadequate.

You are currently on the floor rolling around, grabbing your midriff, squealing in your mother tongue, and are even calling out to people around you in the bus, the office, the cafe or the lecture room because this is too hilarious to keep to yourself.
Oh, this twisted fate. I have long dreamed of a writing a blog post that would make you spontaneously wet yourself the way you just have. I always hoped that the part that would make your bladder erupt would be something I created with my wit and imagination. I never thought it would be the simple fact that did it.

But now look. You are dead. Because I merely repeated the fact that a grown adult was told nti: “Come and see. You see this machine? You switch it on here and you see if there is a phone nearby, you see, you point this part at the phone you want, you see? And the machine will look inside that phone, you see, and it will look at all the photos inside the phones, you see, and if any of the photos don’t have clothes it will make this sound… ‘Kweeeee kweee kweee’ and you will know who’s phone has no clothes on the pictures inside. You see? Very serious technology. All the way from South Korea. Same place where they make Gangnam style. Only 3 billion shillings.”

And the dwanzie said “take my taxpayers’ money! Take!”
That actually happened.

What I want to know is how they expect this to play out.

Do they mount patrols where they take the machine out to the street, or offices or maybe church or parliament or campuses or the taxi parks and wait for it to go, “kweeeeeejweeeekweeee. Porn alert! Porn alert! Lesbian nurses mud fight detected. Kweeeeee!”

Then what happens?

This is Officer Afsa! Come in roger roger! We have a code 69 in progress! Nigga with porn! Request back up. Repeat. I need backup! Suspect is aroused! Cordon off the area. Put out an APB! Leave Besigye alone, this is an emergency!

Meanwhile, the photos the guy had on his phone were just of Olympic swim team…