Hashtag Swearing In, Hashtag Like, Dislike, Shut Up

Last week was rough on all of us. Lovers of freedom, democracy, Uganda and twitter.


I love twitter because I get to freely say

Fuck your dick. By that I mean cut your dick in half, then turn the front end around and insert it in the other half and thus fuck your dick

That was 140 characters of swearing.

Unfortunately swearing last week was restricted to Sevo


I Yoweri Museveni do solemnly swear again to continue holding the office of president of the republic of Uganda as usual, so go on helping help me God.

There was another swearing, I am led to understand, where Kizza Besigye also inaugurated himself as president.

This of course was entirely symbolic, completely symbolic gesture of defiance. Because if he was the sworn in president if Uganda and therefore commander in chief  of the armed forces, si he commands Kayihura to get off his lawn?

The government shut down access to social media platforms twitter, facebook, instagram and whatsapp.


Ugandans were understandably outraged. How do you give us a public holiday and then not allow us to instagram it? How do you expect us to go a whole day without trailer jam? Without stalking our crush? She posted on Wednesday that she was going to the beach. How are we supposed to find out WHICH BEACH?

We tend to think that the blockage was put in place to prevent us from saying nice things about Besigye on that day. Nti it was just so we don’t exercise our freedom of expression. But much as we like this theory because it makes it sound as if our freedom of expression is an influentual political force and not just a means by which we slide into other people’s women’s DMs to request hookups, that is a bit of an overestimation.

Gavumenti knows that whether twitter or not we are still going to beef.

No, people. They didn’t block it because of what they thought you would say,  they blocked it because of what they thought he would say.

Gavumenti believes that Besigye wishes to incite a mass uprising and intends to coordinate it through social media and that his swearing ceremony was the trigger event. So that is why they blocked it. So that you don’t get coordinated.




So here we are. Government attempts to block social media again even after they so how well that worked last time.

On the other hand Besigye trying to uprise again and again even after he sees how well that works each time.


Besigye, don’t listen to twitter. People are not on that upsrise shit. If you say we need hashtag change, guys agree and RT and heart. But if you say we need to demolish our peace, overturn the economy, ruin our way of life, throw our jobs, security, the safety of our families and loved ones out into the wild winds and burn the nation to the ground and then make you president of the ruins…

There you are alone.

Here’s an idea for both of you.


Government,  hold free and fair elections, take meaningful action against corruption, don’t brutalise opponents so viciously in the streets, and, of course, some term limits would be nice.


Besigye, make FDC a viable opposition party, one that stands for something, like its MPs be paying tax and showing up for work and stuff.


But wait. I am not a satirist. I don’t state opinions, I just mock everybody. So, well, did you notice that Etsy and Pinterest were not blocked?