Hail Mr Deputy Speaker, A Gift For A Gift

I have a specific view of what parliament is. And what it is not.

A collection of representatives from the people of the nation who are chosen according to the will of said people to gather in one place and deliberate on how we, as a nation, together, can build and develop said nation, a means to bring different voices together to speak as one.


That is what it is not.


It is a rabble of ignorant, unscrupulous, shifty, shiny-eyed, lumpen goons who make less sense than Weasel lyrics.

And Weasel says things like…

You kiss me round and round like a merry go round
So ya listen to me sounds, so you know mi still around


Yeah. He gets paid to say that over and over again. That, compatriots, is what parliament is.


So when I was told about the speaker, my reaction was this dad joke. I am afraid you will have to hear them. CosI can’t hold back.

Is that why we have so many reports of MPs who never say a word? Because only one speaker is allowed?

It’s grey, he said.


But no. The Speaker is like an MC of parliament.

So the deputy speaker, presumably, is a cosigner.

I assume then, because I am not going to pay proper attention or research cos fukkit, that the deputy speaker is the guy who stands behind and says, “That’s right.” and “You heard the man!” and “Any questions? I didn’t think so!”

Basically, the deputy speaker is a hype man.

I want a deputy speaker in my life.


Every time I tweet something I want my deputy speaker to immediately RT with quote that is a string of emojis. Thumbs up and dancing flamenco chick.


When I am in the taxi and I reach my stage and say, in my usual calm and contained fashion, “Maaso awo ssebo” I want my deputy to say, “Brake! Now! NOW!”

When I slide into the DM, those things, I want someone to follow a few minutes later with “Iwe, I hear that Baz has been hollering. Do. Not. Blow. This. I assure you that if you mess this up you WILL die alone.”

That is not the most shocking and apalling and astounding and frankly not that surprising thing about the deopyty speaker. There is the fact that MPs were given a kind gift of five million shillings each just before they had to vote.



Wasn’t that nice.

If there is anything I want more than a personal deputy speaker it is a gift like that.

Things I would do with a generous five ma:

Get out of debt. I owe some bad people a lot of money. If I don’t get a gift soon you may start hearing rumors about me being spotted in a slave camp in the DRC.

Buy some suits. I want to suit up so that my dad jokes can feel more confident

Unlimited high speed data. Because bundles are fine for you plebs but as an internet professional I have to hold myself to higher standards.

Queen dancers for this blog. Right now all I can afford is this.



I understand this black is made in China.