Go Ahead and Switch off My Sim Card.

So gavumenti and you have mutually agreed on the disconnection of your phone…

This is the conclusion things came to, of course. In a democracy we compromise. One party makes what it thinks is a ferocious threat: “We will cut you off if you don’t Leeejeeeeestaaaaa! Grrrrr! Bark, bark! Snap! Is your blood not curdled!” and the other part says, “Mbaff. Cut as much as you want. My blood is smooth as wine.”

These guys think they are Stalin? They think this nation is a dorm and they are prefects? Well, cash me ousside Howbada?

Registration of sim cards was near-universal, because it was handled by competent, forward-thinking professionals. Registration of sim-cards was going much much better than National ID registration for the same reasons.

Gavumenti is a bouncing brood of baboons unable to grab its own ass and keep hold for long enough. The only thing government is good at is staying in power, and even that is a sign of incompetence because a properly functioning government would change leaders every once in a while, you know? And so it is no surprise that this national ID seven days re-registration fiasco is just that. A fiasco.

The Fiasco Uganda Communications Commission. The F.U.C.C., I think.

Put these on and see what I did there

I didn’t go for my ID when they issued that other deadline of the other time and that is because, I, like you, understood that deadlines mean crowds of other Ugandans from all walks of life, including the walk that doesn’t shower and smells and doesn’t understand the concept of personal space or lining up and so shoves his crotch further into your bum every time someone in the line shifts their weight.

I remember that shit when I used to deal with public sector a lot, when I was younger and less elitist. It motivated me to work really hard to get into the corporate middle class so I would not have to line up in places any more. The only way I knew how to keep these people out of my ass was to keep farting and the diet that requires is not good for me at my age so I can’t go back.


In my current social stratum we may not have national IDs but we have driver’s licences and passports. Which are much easier to get. You don’t have to clamour through clusters of kifeesi picking your pockets to get one before deadlines expire. You just chilled and relaxed, knowing you would get what you need when the need arose; you didn’t get a passport until you got selected for Big Brother Africa, and you didn’t get a license until you won a free car in Miss Bweyos.

No deadline, no rush, no queues, easy going, no problems.

Now, there is a deadline.


Now, you have to weigh your options. Dive into the myriad inconveniences of an overstretched and ill-equipped state-run bureaucracy  to join the hordes of others scrumming for the attention of one agency with severely limited  capacity to handle the load at once and in doing so not only take the risk of being turned away, unregistered or even worse, mis-registered (As so many facebook reports have it) or just saying fukkit.

Registered as Josiah Ocwich, 37, of Ssesse District

I suggest fukkit.

Do your worst, fascist. Little gecko thinks it’s a dragon? Okay, breath forth your flames.

Understand that my smartphone is a camera, gameboy and MP3 player but the one thing I hardly ever do on that machine is take and receive phonecalls. Anyone who needs me can inbox me, mail me, DM me. If they cut off the simcard and whatsapp no longer works, google hangouts is automatically provided by default to all android users.

So cut it off. Cut of as many as you wish.

In fact ojja kuba omponyezza amabanja.

Then try to call us on 21st and enjoy caller tunes.

***** And now a word from our sponsors.



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