Friday Movie Reviews: Identity Thief, Die Hard 5, Wreck It Ralph

By Tom Rwahwire

Hi. It’s Friday. I’m Tom Rwawhire and I am here to do some movie reviews for Bazanye. I am a qualified movie critic, and my credentials are that I have retinas. Let us go and do.

 

 

Starring: Melissa MaCarthy, Jason Bateman, A  Blue Vitz
Rated: S for Stressing you out 

One of the fun things about films is that unlike in real life, in movies, if you are an asshole, you get meled somehow. Like justice exists. And usually like really cool justice like a blade goes through your eye or something. Now, in Identity Theft, Mellissa McCarthy plays an asshole. A really big asshole. An asshole so evil that she both sucks and is an asshole. I think the medical term is prolapsed rectum—that is when the asshole sucks instead of emitting shit. That is Melissa McCarthy.

She is a conwoman who commits “Identity Theft”, that is when you steal someone’s credit card and buy things in their name and stuff like that. She stole Jason Bateman’s.

All McCarthy does is be mean and nasty and you just want something to happen to her but the minutes go by and nothing happens and you get angrier, and she keeps on being a jerkwaddouche and getting away with it, and seriously, after sixty minutes, I had had enough. I hear that in the rest of the movie she “redeemed herself” but let me check my pockets… no, nothing there. Let me check my bag… no, nothing there either. Let me check my desk drawer… nope. Nothing. Looks like I don’t have a single fuck to give about that.

 

Starring: Bruce Willis, Jay Courtney, Russians, Fire, Not Starring The Laws of Physics
Rated: B for Everthing gets blown up

Hmm. Now how can I describe this movie to you? I want you to watch it, but I also have to tell you that it is not a good movie. The parts of talking and acting are like wet bread. But at least they don’t talk mob.
Bruce Willis goes to Russia to find his son and he discovers that the son is actually a CIA Agent, which is cool because Bruce Willis as John McLane is like a weapon of mass destruction himself, having kicked all the ass there was to kick around New York in Die Hard I, II, III and IV, only leaving kko a bit for Spider Man sometimes. So now we have the CIA being assisted by John McClaine. Very good. Start shooting things.

I was mob excited because the son is actually called John MaClain Jr, so we have two  McLanes and Russians, so cool accents, too.

So when they are not wasting time with lwali they shoot some things and blow some other things up. They run around the exploding things, and then they shoot more things. It’s all really a video game basically. I hear that somewhere an estranged father and son simanyi made up their differences but that was all drowned out by the sound of bombs going off. Watch it while drunk.

 

 

Starring: The voices of John C. Rielley, Sarah Silverman, The Sarcastic Chick from Glee–(Glee has a certain sarcastic chick in it), many pink pixels

Rated: Funny

 
You know some cartoons are for normal human beings like us and other shows are for kids? Like how Incredibles was for us intelligent, sophisticated people, but Princess and The Frog was for those ones who are still in the pupal stage?  I don’t know what it was that made me not trust Wreck It Ralph. Maybe because of all the pink. What was with that? I mean, look at that picture up there. Why should a person whose testicles have dropped go to look at a screen of that?
But wait. Don’t listen to those doubts. The pink is a trick to confuse you. You just harden and watch this thing. It is very good. Even for us grown ups with maturity and taste.