Felony Fitness, Guilty of Gorgeousness, Aggravated Hotness in The First Degree

 

The world famous parliament of Uganda, renown for such hits as the Bahati Bill, aka the Kill The Gays Bill, is now talking about a law that makes miniskirts illegal. The details are here, where people more inclined to details write them down and publish them. My concern is the general furore, the cloud we have huffed and puffed up into the twittersphere. The talk has got us heating up our facebook with our outrage like WTF?

But though some of the tweets are hilarious, and will provide a pleasant distraction this Friday, come on. You know it’s not going to happen. Sound and fury signifying nothing. Ain’t nobody banning jack. Picture a policeman in Uganda arresting a girl over her hemline, charging her, taking her to court… picture a trial and sentencing. It is way too absurd to happen.

But not too absurd for Ministers of Ethics and Integrity to talk about. That cabinet position has become, essentially, the minister of talking smug and ridiculous nonsense that at least one close-minded, concieted, ignorant, blinkered old mole, one whose mind is closed in an exceedingly tiny box, thinks is actually a valid comment on the state of the entire globe of humanity in it’s full massive girth. We have had one talking about how attractive women should not be allowed to walk on roadsides because they could cause traffic accidents.

Criminal! Call Spider Man!

 

This man thinks, apparently, that if he can’t concentrate on his driving while there are good-looking women on the sidewalk, that no one else can and, therefore, the only way to save Uganda from the collosal pileups that cram our roads every day (because every single day there are hot chicks on Kampala Road. True story) is to ask the police to escort all the sevens-and-up into custody where they shall either tone it down (maybe the state could provide baggy overalls, perhaps some ash and a large floppy hat like Museveni’s) or be charged, arrested, tried and convicted. Felony of being fit, perhaps. Aggravated and premeditated gorgeousness in the first degree. The judge will say, “Girl you so fiine, I’m gon’ give you a fine!”

I don’t think anybody actually believes that being sexually attractive poses a significant traffic hazzard. And this time around Father Lokodo, the minister who tabled the bill, is not claiming it is. He just thinks that miniskirts should be included in the definition of pronography (a word you should never spell in full on your blog because it attracts spambots like flies) in a bill to ban that.

Whoa.

Oh no he didn’t.

Oh yes he did.

But even if he doesn’t say that it is going to inspire rapists or traffic accidents, he is still going on about how awful it is for a woman to be attractive (no word from him on attractive men. I guess we can be as sexy as we want and stay legal).

Thug Life. F** The Police

 

You have to wonder what it is that keeps sex and titilation and arousal and even their much milder and more innocent cousins, like just  having a nice pair of legs, on the minds of these people — why are they so determined that it is a danger that must be curbed?

It cannot be religious fervour, it cannot just be the zeal to serve the commandments of the Lord, becasue God has been demonstrably more firm on the worship of other dieties. He wrote it in His own hand. Twice. And he destroyed many more cities than Sodom and Gomorrah for their worship of others. God clearly does not like it when we let the worship of other gods abide.

And yet Father Lokodo and other “Ethics” ministers are comfortable in a country with Hindus, Bahais, Buddhists, Atheists and even other denominations of Christianity which he should be calling heretics.

I think it’s an actual fear of sex. Perhaps it is that fear of sex that one first experiences as an adolescent. The Ethics Ministers and their like never grew out of it.  And because they never had those pow-wow sessions with the boys where we talked about these things, when we learnt to use bad words, talked about which direction the pussy  goes (up and down or sideways? Up eh? When did you see?) the minister never found out that what he feels was not the norm– that it was an abberation, that most people actually can drive even with hot minis on the roadside, and that most men are not seized by the desire to rape people whenever they come upon a nice pair of legs.

I think the ministers don’t realise that people lust after each other all the time; the whole country is a spiderweb of lust and desire, crissing and crossing over itself and it often has little to do with what anyone is wearing. People in gomesis fuck like insects in the rainy season while corporatis who wear suits above the knee every day will retire to their homes at night and sigh into their diaries about how oh so very long it has been.

Well, that is just what I think. What I know is why people on my side of things talk about it. Because it’s kind of fun to put down stupid arguments. The dumber the easier and the more fun. And the  jokes can be hilarious. Check out #SaveTheMiniSkirt on twitter and see.

 

(Photos © Piksells | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images)