Fast & Furious 7 FAQ: Everything You Need To Know

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How fast are they?

The only time they drive at a safe speed is in the four seconds when they are accelerate from zero to a gumptredousand Kmph.

 

What is that in miles per hour?

It cannot be measured in miles per hour without the use of computer generated imagery (CGI) and special effects.

 

How Furious are they?

They are not very furious. They fight a lot but it isn’t exactly fury, more in the range of irritation, annoyance and mild being fed up of shit. Vin Diesel is morose and mopey, Michelle Rodriguez just has resting bitch face. Dwayne Johnson was kind of mad in Fast Five, but has since mellowed out.

 

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What happens in this movie?

The same thing that happens in all the Fast and Furious Movies. A bunch of cars that run on juju, driven by a group of indestructible Los Angeles natives, go on an adventure that climaxes in a car chase stunt so audaciously unrealistic but so astoundingly coooooool that even angels who watch it go back to heaven and start a petition to have God amend the laws of physics to make it possible for real cars to do that.

Even the kids at Hogwarts who watch it on a school trip say that shit is ill!

Even Agent Smith from the Matrix says that shit is ill!

Even the Road Runner says that that shit is ill!

 

What is the plot synopsis?

Completely immaterial. You won’t care. You shouldn’t care.

The plot is just a thing to keep the cameras warm between fight scenes and car chases.

 

And the dialogue?

The dialogue in this movie is composed entirely of shit. They got dung and wrote words with it and then made the actors say them. The actors would have preferred to poop them out, but the director felt that it would be too natural if they did that, and insisted on the shit coming out of their mouths.

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Does this affect the quality of the movie overall?

Not if you are drunk enough. As everyone with any experience in these things says, don’t go to Fast and Furious expecting a clever film. It’s a music video. Flashy things happening, cool stuff to look at, spectacle and extravaganza. Not logic, sense, or even plot.

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Should we go?

We go.

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