Did J-Lo Invent Mopping in Videos? In Defence of Juliana (And in attack of others)

Uganda, who shat in your froyo? Why are you so salty? Who inculcated excess sodium monophosphate crystals in your hemoglobin, man?

Juliana Kanyomozi is the most singer in Uganda. I didn’t mean to say the best and then narrowly missed the keys. I didn’t mean to say the foremost but then went to Lugazi SSS and therefore failed to get a proper education. I say the most because there are many singers in Uganda, some of whom are more singer than others. Juliana is the singest. But since the word singest does not exist we shall call her the most singer. Now that we are on the same page, let us proceed.

Jennifer Lopez is an American with a vocal range that is adequate as long as it is not asked to go too far; it just reaches areas within the vicinity. A better way to illustrate how limited Jennifer Lopez’ talents are let me say this: I can sing every single one of Jennifer Lopez’ songs pitch perfect, and I cannot even sing.

Ever song that was ever written to fit within Jennifer Lopez’ range, also fits in mine. I the Bazanye of Bulabira, am capable of reiterating your songs, then you are categorically a below-average singer.

Juliana, however, if I try to sing her song I get rockets after four bars. I can’t handle.

Juliana is also a very attractive woman, and has been thus for many years. In this regard she is similar to Jennifer Lopez, who can also gerrit.

If you are are drunk, stoned, not too intelligent and surrounded by bored mafs who can’t find campus girls to distract them, you might find yourself entertaining idle thoughts such as, “By the way, Juliana can be called J-Lo for short”. After all, you and your bloke friends all call yourselves. Alfo, Freeyo, Herbo, Muggso.

The same process happened at a Conde Nast office one night in the late nineties and Jennifer Lopez was the victim.

So you see, there are some similarities between the two, and some differences.

Even their bums are different. The world made a huge deal about Lopez’ bum, but Juliana’s is the champion bum, let’s not argue about this self-evident fact of science.

Jennifer Lopez’ latest video features a scene of her mopping a floor and one of her ironing a garment.

Juliana’s latest video features a scene of her mopping a floor and one of her ironing a garment.

And now Ugandans have decided that Juliana is copying Jennifer Lopez.

Guys.

Guys,

Guys, guys,

Guys sit down.

If I had enough respect for the argument to do more than type snark at it, I would have done the research and returned with screenshots of fifty videos of people ironing clothes and mopping floors. I am not a young man. I have been here for a while. I was there when this was Jennifer Lopez. I watched her do that on VHS.

This means I have watched so many music videos with these old eyes that I can assure you, from a point of view so expert it qualifies as academic even, professor of the old school, that mopping and ironing are not rare, unique, ground-breaking activities in music videos and saying that a person copied another mopping is as saying they copied someone touching their reflection in the mirror while singing or standing in the rain during the chorus without an umbrella.

You want to opine that the guy who made Lopez’ video came upon a flash of genius in the middle of the night, sprung up from his bed, startling his lover out of his or her heroin stupor, and yelling, “I gat it! This here’s gonna be a game-changer! It ain’t never been done before! And it ain’t never gon’ be done again except by copycats. Yo, we gon’ make Jenny mop the floor and iron some shit!”

  

(Thanks to Ahumuza Bryan for doing some of the research I didn’t feel bothered to)

If you can decide to believe that happened, let me see if your credulity will accept this scenario: Video music maker wants to show the singer is a woman of diverse aspects and facets, in line with the message of the song, to show that she exists in different life spaces, so we have a scene of her as a glamorous star, one as a solitary individual alone in a room, one as a homemaker doing chores, one as a practitioner of personal hygiene (that’s the bathtub scene), and so he shoots different scenes to show each style.

And now all this urea and methane explodes to stink up our TLs. Mbu Juliana copied.

What about the scene in the bathtub? When are you going to finish my data with FB posts about how she ripped taht off from Sheebah, Anita Baker, All those people who have shot music videos while taking baths.

Or the scene of her sitting on a bed. When are you going to point out that she stole that from all those people who sit on beds while singing?

Then the scene where she is dressed up as an American 1920’s silent-film era Hollywood starlet– when are you going to sneeze your snot nti she copied that idea from American 1920’s silent-film era Hollywood starlets?

Look, look, I get it. I know that it is fun to take cheap shots at the famous. I do it all the time, and I don’t like to be biased in this regard. So here, in spite of the fact that I am a legit Juliana fan, let me help throw some shade at her for Uganda.

 

  • Juliana is so old, Bazanye even interviewed her when she was an upcoming artist.
  • Juliana hips are so broad when she takes a boda she doesn’t sit kisajja or kikazi, she sits kikapu
  • What’s that metal thing in Juliana’s eyebrow? A loose screw in her head?

See? It is possible to throw harmless shade at a star without claiming that Jennifer Lopez is the only one who can scrub a floor while singing on Trace.

Now instead let us ask why Sheebah Karungi keeps copying Sheebah Karungi videos and dances in front of old cars.