MTN, I Swear. Leave Me Alone. Go Away. I Don’t Want!

MTN is still doing it. Still shufflefooting around me trying to offer me tripe through their spam SMS. It so desperate and sad. It’s like you are following me around with cold damp boiled maize in a kibbo begging me to turn round and at least consider telling you to fuck off, WHILE I’M GOING [...]

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The Breakdown: Uncut

The net is buzzing with news of the new smartphone from Amazon, the Fire. In the meantime, excitement still abounds over the other new phones from the leading smartphone brands  Ernest Bazanye the geek discusses the matter with Ernest Bazanye the luddite. Q: Fire, Five s and S5. Why is the whole internet buzzing about [...]

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News Rounded Up and Whipped Like Lupita

What happened to the parliament pigs? Well, we hear that the police is on the case, investigating the little porkers with maximum thoroughness  to ascertain exactly what the hell it was that they were doing in parliament in the first place. What induces two piglets to recruit humans to take them to parliament? The police [...]

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Dear MTN, Get Off My F***ing Case

Dear MTN, I am not lonely enough to need an sms system to find friends for me. And even if I was living in the deepest darkest cave of Mhavura where no other human has set foot in eons, a place so remote that even the Bachwezi abandoned it, I still would not be interested, [...]

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Meet Miss Approp Rita: The New Minister For Corruption

      The newly appointed Minister of Corruption and Financial Abuse, Miss Approp Rita, joins cabinet this week, following the adoption of a proposal by Urban TV’s Business Unusual satire programme. Miss Approp has a long and illustrious history of theft, embezzlement and fraud, none of which shows on her CV, most of which [...]

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The State Of The State of The Nation

    President Museveni delivered his annual state of the nation address yesterday to a delighted throng of lickspittles and bootsnoggers and asskissers, all of whom swooned with glee at every drop of saliva that shot out of his ancient mouth as he droned on and on. In attendance as well were thugs, turncoats, thieves, [...]

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Pilgrims Progress. Happy Martyrs One and All.

    So this is Kampala. And this here, meaning me, the fat man in the blue camoflauge uniform, this is a Kampala cop. I hear you guys don’t take kindly to people walking. We don’t take kindly to people, period. So you are going to make my life hard? As a member of the [...]

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Raid on Radio’s House. Radio Gets Arrested. Here’s What Happened.

    For those of you who were planning on catching a Radio and Weasel show this weekend, I’m sorry. Radio has gone down. This is from the New Vision: KAMPALA - It was mayhem Monday morning when police stormed Goodlyfe singer Mowzey Radio’s home in Kizungu-Makindye to arrest him following a bar brawl. The accounts [...]

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I Also Have Jay-Z Solange Jokes.

Shawn, Wharrap. Easy. So, dude. This elevator and Solange and your face and all that kung Fu…. No! No! Baz, I am sick of talking about that. Look, it’s history. Why can’t you let it go? Dude, I can’t be the only one on the internet who hasn’t made jokes about you getting your Brooklyn [...]

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Special Announcement from KCCA: Don’t Buy Those Shades

Announcement. Listen Your Ass Up   RE: PURCHASE OF MERCHANDISE FROM STREET HAWKERS Hi. This is Jennifer. The Queen of Kampala. Forget what Rihanna said, she knows nothing. It’s me who runs this town. Tonight and every night and every day. Now, last year I issued a decree that banned street hawkers. I didn’t stu-stu-stutter, [...]

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