What’s Been Up

A lot. This site has been unupdated for all this time but it’s not like I haven’t been working. I have been working. Like… Okay, I am out of metaphors. I recently discovered a new brand of satchet capucchino which is faithless and full of lies. It gives you a twenty-minute boost and then dumps [...]

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Who Or What is The Miss Uganda Controversy

 Oh what an audacious monstrosity! It looks like a fish made of old dead shoes! It is so revolting my eyes both demand that we immediately go into exile, for this nation is surely cursed! Actually in this picture I am looking at here she looks kind of cute. I like the smile. I bet [...]

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TV In The Car? Are You Thinking With Your Intestines?

If you have a television in your dashboard, you really need to look again at the direction your life is taking. This will not be the first bad decision you have made yet– there will be a chain of shitty choices that lead to this– and if you don’t pause for some serious stock-taking, it [...]

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Miss Uganda UPDF: Beauty with An Agricultural Purpose

The militarisation of beauty is finally here. The moment we have all been waiting for. When Salim Saleh suggested that the UPDF, which is now into promotion of agriculture programs, should take on the Miss Uganda pageant, in a bid to popularise farming among the youth, some of us thought he was just riffing, the [...]

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An Open Letter To Eddy Kenzo

Dear Kenzo, Greetings to you. (And greetings to the person translating this to you.) I am writing to congratulate you on the can of ass whupping you opened on that journalist yesterday. It was beautiful. Kenzo, I enjoy your music quite a lot. I thought I was a big fan of your work. But when [...]

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Who Or What Is Anaconda?

Nikki Minaj is from the famous Mayanja music clan, which also features Jose Chameleone aka Joseph Mayanja, AK47 aka Douglas Mayanja, Weasel aka Christoburse Mayanja, Ronald aka Lonadi Mayinja Mayanja, Stecia aka Stecia Really and Tom The Mith Mayanja. Nikki Minaj was born Nicholas Mayanja but changed her name when her penis was cut off [...]

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Census Questions For The Census Takers

We have had the Census takers come to our homes and invade our privacy asking us all sorts of questions about our goats and chicken and sexual histories and demographics, as if we don’t have human rights. I have the right to privacy. It’s my life. Mind your business. Wujja sepikki yo, as the wisest [...]

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Take Back Uhuru’s Car

  You may have heard that Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta lost a real life game of Grand Theft Auto Nairobi last week. Someone stole his car. A vehicle belonging to the presidential fleet of limos was stolen outside the city limits last week. Now. Really. Ssuuna, we know it was you. This has Ugandan written [...]

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Taxi Strike. The Untold Story. From the (or A) Horse’s Mouth

Taxi strike paralyses city. That was the news on Monday when industrial action by Uganda Taxi Drivers And Operators Association left many Kampalans stranded at their homes, unable to get to work. Most saw it as a painful inconvenience (or, if you have a car an awesome early Christmas) and much was tweeted. But nobody [...]

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Rules For The Cinema. Pay Attention

We have people who attend cinemas a lot these days, and this is both a good thing, because we get to watch Rocket and Groot, and a bad thing because other people get to do the same thing. At the same time. Annoyingly.   Development is about improving life, removing the flaws and working towards [...]

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