An Open Letter To Eddy Kenzo

Dear Kenzo, Greetings to you. (And greetings to the person translating this to you.) I am writing to congratulate you on the can of ass whupping you opened on that journalist yesterday. It was beautiful. Kenzo, I enjoy your music quite a lot. I thought I was a big fan of your work. But when [...]

Share on Facebook

Census Questions For The Census Takers

We have had the Census takers come to our homes and invade our privacy asking us all sorts of questions about our goats and chicken and sexual histories and demographics, as if we don’t have human rights. I have the right to privacy. It’s my life. Mind your business. Wujja sepikki yo, as the wisest [...]

Share on Facebook

Take Back Uhuru’s Car

  You may have heard that Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta lost a real life game of Grand Theft Auto Nairobi last week. Someone stole his car. A vehicle belonging to the presidential fleet of limos was stolen outside the city limits last week. Now. Really. Ssuuna, we know it was you. This has Ugandan written [...]

Share on Facebook

Be My D. Recap. Short Boys Need Love, Too.

  Be My D., starring Anita Fabiola. And her hips which are brought to you by I Feel Like Chicken Tonight. The show begins by bringing out the array of homies who had been brought from the detention centres, rehab facilities and Lumumba hall to look for women who you would think should know better [...]

Share on Facebook

Rules For The Cinema. Pay Attention

We have people who attend cinemas a lot these days, and this is both a good thing, because we get to watch Rocket and Groot, and a bad thing because other people get to do the same thing. At the same time. Annoyingly.   Development is about improving life, removing the flaws and working towards [...]

Share on Facebook

Breakdown: The MAMAs Said Knock Chad Out

  Did you read last Friday’s Vision? I was in it. I am usually in it. This is my column there. Spot kko.   The MTV Africa Music Awards, also known as the MAMAs were concluded last week. They left in their wake a bit of controversy. Ernest Bazanye discussed the foofaraw with rabble-rouser Ernest [...]

Share on Facebook

Raid on Radio’s House. Radio Gets Arrested. Here’s What Happened.

    For those of you who were planning on catching a Radio and Weasel show this weekend, I’m sorry. Radio has gone down. This is from the New Vision: KAMPALA - It was mayhem Monday morning when police stormed Goodlyfe singer Mowzey Radio’s home in Kizungu-Makindye to arrest him following a bar brawl. The accounts [...]

Share on Facebook

I Also Have Jay-Z Solange Jokes.

Shawn, Wharrap. Easy. So, dude. This elevator and Solange and your face and all that kung Fu…. No! No! Baz, I am sick of talking about that. Look, it’s history. Why can’t you let it go? Dude, I can’t be the only one on the internet who hasn’t made jokes about you getting your Brooklyn [...]

Share on Facebook

I Am. The Most Influential. Bow Down, Time!

    When Beyonce sang “Bow Down Bitches” a number of us loaded and cocked and let off a few shots of side-eye at the singer, like, “And who exactly are these bitches she thinks she is talking to?” It turns out Time Magazine was one of them because this month they dropped their knickerbockers, [...]

Share on Facebook

Erias Lukwago’s CV. Just Allow You Guys

  As we said the other day when people on Google Plus were leaving comments without even clicking the link to see what they were commenting about (Really, friends, let us click one another. For the development of Uganda. We cannot stay backward forever.) Erias Lukwago is not going to remain Lord Mayor, that is [...]

Share on Facebook