Leo DiCaprio, nigga. Have you forgotten your old friends already? Back in Boston we were tight as Beyonce’s blonde weave and now, just because you went off to be a big-time Ugandan writer you forgot all about me?
DiCaprio? Leo Dick! Oh, of course I remember. I mean, I had briefly forgotten, due to being too famous and successful to remember my humble roots, but you have jogged my memory. No one has called me nigga in years.
Baz, you know I can say nigga because I am secretly black.
Leo, you are white. Just allow. The sooner you accept that fact, the sooner the thorough beatings that occur every time you visit Atlanta and Detroit will stop. Anyway, why did you call? Not to borrow more money, I hope.
No, nothing like that. I’m filthy rich these days. I became a movie star, you know?
Really? Oh, I think I may have heard something about that. You were in thingy… that one of mob tulo. The Aviator.
Kyokka Baz, see you hating.
I’m just kidding. You know I have been a fan since those early days. Even What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and The Basketball Diaries. I just didn’t feel Aviator, that’s all.
You are entitled to your opinion.
And Titanic couldn’t have been more shit if instead of a ship hitting an iceberg, they had a shit hitting another shit and sinking. Into a sea of shit.
Well, the paycheck wasn’t shit, I can tell you that.
So mobile money me back the five dollars you borrowed in ’94.
I can’t believe you are a millionaire movie star and you just mobile moneyed me five dollars. And moreover I am in Africa. Aren’t you guys always talking about saving us from poverty? Not even sending interest.
Baz, you are not poor. You claim to be broke and then you go to Cayenne Express out of mere boredom.
It’s the last third of January. Everyone’s poor.
You are not poor. You are broke. There is a difference. But let me help you out my nig—My brother. Let me send you free tickets to my latest movie, the Wolf of Wall Street. You will like it.
Is it about a wolf that is loose in the streets and it goes around attacking people, with blood gore and violent deaths rendered in vivid detail? Cos that is what I consider breathtaking cinema, that is what I count as art par excellence in film.
The wolf is a man…
A wolfman? A werewolf! Sweet. What’s the body count? And does he bite the necks open or does he claw them to death?
Actually, he defrauds people using criminal financial scams.
Do you have tickets for The Wolverine instead? Just the action scenes, cos the story was meh.
You should give it a try. I’m sending the tickets. Two, so you can take your girl. I hear she loved Inception.
Oh well, do I still get the free soda with those tickets.