$udhir Ruparelia: The Breakdown

My column for The Beat didn’t run this Friday. So I am posting it here. Cos I didn’t write this for no one to at least smirk a little, once at least. 

One of the richest men in Africa lives and earns, spends right here in Uganda. He is one of us. Financial analyst Ernest Bazanye discussed the socio-economic implications of this with the Ernest Bazanye, who was burning with jealousy.


Q: Who is Sudhir Ruparelia?

A: One of the richest men in Uganda and, apparently the whole of Africa.

Q: Eh mama. Some money?

A: You embarrass me. I was saying, according to Forbes magazine’s latest list of the top 50 heaviest pockets in Africa, Sudhir is now worth over a billion dollars.

Q: Eh mama! Some?

A: He is into banking, real estate, he exports flowers, runs Seanice and Fatboy … wait a minute. It just hit me. A billion DOLLARS!

Q: So, when is he going to throw parties at Guvnor and make it rain? When is he going to buy Lamborghinis and have vulgar twitter catfights with Judith Heard?

A: Real rich people don’t actually do that. That’s only people with maalo who got their hands on someone else’s money. Bad Black and Zari, in spite of the appearances they tried so hard to create, are not on Forbes’ list. Unless there is a Forbes’ list of local birds.

Q: You just have nuggu for socialites cos they are balling and you ain’t.

A: Please, why should I be jealous of Zari when I could be jealous of Sudhir? I don’t have any nuggu to squander on those little girls. Didn’t you hear? Sudhir has a billion dollars! Do you know that if he decides to spend a night at Speke Resort Munyonyo and pay the expensive-as-Hades rates there, and Speke Resort banks at Crane Bank, then he actually makes money even while he spends it? Leads you to see your life.

Q: You know what would be cool? If Sudhir became a Kampala Batman and fought crime.

A: He should totally do that. Cruise around at night on a black superbike, hunting down Iron Bar Thugs and people who drink and drive…

Q: And corrupt government officials.

A: I swear Sudhir, if you are reading this, just an idea. If you need to hire someone to help you be Batman, holla.