Good evening civilians
Freeze and put your hands where we can see them.
Sorry about that last part. It is just that we are police officers and we are not used to addressing civilians without using those words.
I am Constable Ndobbo of the Uganda Sub-Police Special Division of Subterfuge and Diversion. We are like CSI, but only in the sense of being fictional.
It has come to our attention at SDSD that it has come to your attention that there are big fat hulking behemoths of navy blue iron hauling ass to Kampala from Mombasa and that they have our names on them.
You look at these monsters and think, “Wololo! Decepticons!”
Our informants in National Water and Sewerage Corporation tell us that there is a reduction in flushing of toilets because most of you already shat your pants by the time you got home the day you saw them.
Kale and Polly are busy. So busy. They have not even found time to reply to our applications to form the first Uganda Police Porn Squad. Uganda needs someone to scan the porn and determine exactly how pornographic it is so we can arrest people with the right level of brutality.
But they have been too busy to reply our emails, so we just assume that they are also too busy to respond to your issues about these trucks.
It is up to us at the division to take it upon ourselves. So nyamaza and listen.
Some of you seem to think that the trucks are here to intimidate voters ahead of national elections.
Look, if you are intimidated, that is your right as a Ugandan. Just like some of you look at Kale’s beautiful bald head and are too intimidated to just walk up and tell him to be your valentine.
These trucks are like Kale’s dome. The intimidation is not their main purpose. It’s a side effect.
Kale’s head is there to think.
Some say the trucks are here to teargas rioters. Well, to those we say, riot and see.
For us we just want to ask one question:
Why can’t cops have a cement mixer?
We live in Unipots. We live in tins. As if we are blue band not people.
Have you noticed the weather lately? You think it is hot, eh? While you luxuriate in a brick house you think it’s hot, eh? While you have brick tiles you think it’s hot, eh? While you have windows you think it’s hot, eh?
We also want houses that are not made of metal. The candidates promise teachers quarters and doctors too. But police? Did even Kyalya promise to deliver Uganda police from the burden of living in bukebe and trying to copulate in a thing the size of a manhole opening that rattles and echoes every time you give your spouse that good thrust?
Instead they say they are going to stamp out corruption and bribery.
Without bribes, we won’t even be able to buy the fans we sneak into the uniports.
So we got some cement and ordered a cement mixer the same way you order your Vitzes and Alexes which you then drive without third party as if you enjoy giving us bribes week after week.
Ugandans, stop hating. Let us prosper.
Also, don’t riot, cos you have seen how we roll.