Better Than Besigye: No More Teargas. We Can Do Better

Look, guys, this is not working. Nobody is getting what they want.

 

Besigye:

Wants to hold rally at Nandos, but you keep teargassing him on the way. He doesn’t get what he wants.

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Cops:

Say they want to avoid disrupting business in the CBD. But they teargas and still end up messing up everyone’s day. Don’t get what they want either.

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This is not working. Plus ca change, plus cest la meme chose, mafagas.  We need to try new approaches to this problem.

 

Marijuana Gas

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THC, the narcotic element in marijuana has a series of effects on those who consume it. As follows: Giggles, hunger, sleep and chill.

Any one of these is far preferable in a rioting mob than being pissed off and agitated by teargas.

So spray weed smoke at the crowd. Then the news report will be like:

 

A group of Besigye supporters dispersed themselves and went off to look for rolexes and nsenenes and biscuits after being sprayed by the police. This followed spontaneous bursts of lolling. The members of the mob can now be found scattered all over the town philosophising about One Love.

 

Skype

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If Besigye wants to hold a rally on Luwum street, someone on my whatsapp group sarcastically suggested that Besigye just skypes in.

What is that sarcastic about? Everyone on Luwum street has a smartphone. Unless it has just been stolen, in which case, the thief now has a smartphone, so the numbers remain the same.

 

And the best part of this is that the cops won’t know. They see everyone on Luwum staring at their phone, they will think the place is just becoming more and more like Village Mall, and call it a sign of steady progress.

 

Zari’s Song

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It’s awful. It sounds like filth with a voice. it sounds like rot with a voice. It sounds like bad manners with a voice. You know how you feel when you see someone throw rubbish out of their car window onto the street? If right after the bottle of Riham, they tossed out a used diaper, and then flung out their annoying baby, and that level of rotten, filthy spiritedness got a voice, it would sound just like Zari’s song.

 

Have you ever heard Zari’s song in a club? No? That is because you have never been in a club at noon the next day when they need the last drunk to get the fuggout.

 

If Police start playing that song at Besigye crowds, no further act of brutality will be required. The guys will disperse themselves, fast, vigorously and with extreme urgency.

 

Meanwhile, Besigye,

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Have you ever thought of being the one to disperse the cops? Tell your supporters to sing that Zari song. The cops will run back to baracks so fast you will for once admire their training. Instead of regretting it as usual.

 

Bribery.

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Each Besigye supporter should carry five thou. These are Uganda Police we are talking about after all. Come on. I mean, come on. Come on. Really. You know. Come one.

 

Question:

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Everyone wants to know– If Besigye becomes president, will he teargas Amama? One way to find out. Let him hold his rallies and win. Then we will see.

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