katandika with a bang
The show opens like as if 24. Direct and to the violent point. Presenting ninjas, kikonde, mateke and akson.
A ninja somersaults into the yard. Gives the dogs some KFC or whatever so they don’t bark. The dogs are Ugandan and easily bribed. Simba is like, “Wamma you steal.” and up runs his colleague, Ex-Wife, to share. (Those are the most common dog names in Ug).
The ninja is clearly Flavia’s character, Kamali, because even with the whole of her face covered in ski mask, the only people on TV whose eyes are more instantly recognizable than Flavia Tumusiime’s are Powerpuff Girls.
She is with a guy who looks like the dude who killed Captain Alex. He kicks a policeman, who might be a captain and might be called Alex, and it looks like he kills him.
Then she parkours up the stairs, past a wall portrait of the house’s owner. The picture is of the quality you get when you filter your instagram profile eight times.
This establishes that, yes, it’s a ninja robbing a douchebag.
Said douche was pashing there with Hellen Lukoma, playing Hellen Mutungi, who is wearing a fetching blue negligee when the ninja interrupts their clearly post-coital slumber with all the noise she makes trying to steal a laptop.
Very poor ninja skills, Kamali. There are guys who will take your laptop and replace it with a brick in the middle of kikuubo in broad daylight without you feeling a thing, but you can’t snatch one from a drunk dude who has just been well-fucked by an ex-Obsession in a slinky blue negligee?
Very poor ninja skills. I judge you.
We soon find out that he is impressively douchey. When they are up and about having watched Kamali’s inelegant escape, Hellen is all like, “Baby, are you okay? Oh no! Concern and worry for your safety! Oooh poochie-coo, what are we gonna do?”
What he gonna do is what d-bags do. Like as if 50 Cent. He gon put that bitch in check, yo, cos he don’t love dem hoes, like siddown and shuttup with a brusque reminder that she was here for chaws and nothing else. Then, like a true 50 Cent, he calls his security firm.
Omara and Gaetano are the security team. They arrive to review the camera footage of ineptest ninja in Uganda. She was caught on camera? Poor ninja skills.
“First pause on those eyes,” says Steven, who is such a douchebg, he even sleeps with a gold chain on. And viola, he recognises the eyes as well.
Seriously? How much are sunglasses? Don’t they still sell those China raybans for four k?
The ninja is called Kamali Tenywa, although they pronouce it as “Tenure” due to accents.
Except for Omara, who is the most Luo-sounding gangsta who ever claimed to be called Paul “Mukasa”.
I was distracted. Hellen fwiine, though. In her little blue niggly sitting there just.
And cue opening credits.
Back to the show, and we cut to Kamali in a car taking off her shades and looking intensely disconcerted and perturbed.
All along she did have sunglasses!
She was parked outside the office of one Suuna, played by Rabadaba, to whom she must deliver the stolen laptop. Suuna is not amused because she brought the laptop without the correct password. I snigger to myself, remembering my days as a low-life cybercriminal who lived off identity theft in internet cafés in Kireka. Douchebag passwords are the easiest to hack. Poor ninja skills.
Suuna grabs her neck angrily. Grrrrr!
This is the first of three instances when this poor woman’s neck is going to be grabbed at like that in this episode.
Nava’s entrance! wayayaya! Not a single word. Just showing face looking menacing and evil. She looks like a parent peeling a kifaalu. That look. You know it. Can stab a nigga’s brain with that look.
A dream sequence follows to show us how bad Kamali’s life was before she married an asshole who sleeps with jewellery on and then got a job where the boss attempts to throttle her. She apparently went to have a nap. It was a busy night and a long morning after all, with the burglaries and the choking etc. But even then she gets no rest. Only dreams about how her and Natasha’s character Kaitesi were human-trafficked by Salvado at a young age! Now they are callgirls, she wakes to find.
We follow them next to one of those upper-class sex parties we hear about that the rich people presumably have every weekend. They are like the normal house parties us normal people have but sexier because they come with high priced hookers and you don’t need game to get laid.
Which is just as well because Abbeh, played by Gaetano, the security dude who we thought had been hired to find Kamali, is first trying to fuck her using lines from 1964 like, “What’s your poison, princess?”
She tells him her name is Candy, which is the most hooker name in the world.
The sex scene is here. Gaetano Kaggwa’s second televised sex scene. Only this time he is the one called Abby.
I’ll say this, though. He treats his hooker better than Steven treats his mistress.
But both of y’all are douches.
After the sex, Abbey quickly reconceals his hairy chest and reveals his true colours. He is a Person Who Knows That She Is Kamali And She Stole Laptops. Busted!
And now who isn’t going to grab Flavia’s neck today? How many times can one neck get grabbed in one show?
She slapped dude and he grabbed the neck. Aforementioned ninja skills still not wealthy if that is how she fights.
Now see what happens? They take her to a holding area which can be beautifully shot, with sunlight streaming across their gorgeous faces like sos, and that is when Steven comes in to ask his wife why she stole his laptop and to grab her neck again. If I were Kamali I would just start putting a lot of vaseline on my neck. So next person to grab at it can’t hold a grip. Cos this is getting to be a chronic problem.
Now comes the cliffhanger– What happens next? Will they figure out what was on the laptop?
Will Kamali get a refund for going to the same school to learn ninjitsu that Peter Sematimba went to for basic education?
Will Nava stab a nigga in the brains with just one look?
Will Abbey sleep with Kamali again?
Will everyone please please get their hands off Flavia’s throat?