Be My D., starring Anita Fabiola. And her hips which are brought to you by I Feel Like Chicken Tonight.
The show begins by bringing out the array of homies who had been brought from the detention centres, rehab facilities and Lumumba hall to look for women who you would think should know better but, apparently, don’t.
We had five guys… oh, wait. There was Issa. So that’s five and a half.
Keep an eye on Issa this episode (not that it will be easy. He is a bit hard to spot in the crowd. Ooooh! All the short guy jokes!) but he will show you everything that is wrong with shows like this. You will see hope turned to despair. You will see optimism collapse into wretchedness. You will see a man’s dirty dream die before our very eyes. If he becomes an alcoholic after this episode, you will understand.
First let’s see how last week’s date went.
Sabrina and Kim had a very romantic date. They held hands, sat on swings, fed each other chips and the whole time Sabrina’s preposterous head thing (It’s either a hat or a pet. I refuse to accept it as a hairstyle) remained intact. If that date goes on to sex, Kim is going to have to work really really hard to get it knocked off.
Now, the parade of dates.
First we have Apple. Or Apuuli. Or Apofia. It’s not clear. She has a gap between her teeth and says she wants the guys to really really really impress her.
What kind of meat market is this, the boys wonder, where the meat makes demands?
This is what she gets:
- “All gentlemens are men but not all men are gentle.”
- “They call me strawbelly Alex, and I like doing housework.”
- “I am a joke so I will make you funny.”
- and Emma says, “I’m not so drunk this time.”
No surprise that she choses Emma. They both have gaps in their teeth. Maybe that means something. Like oral fixation freakiness.
Chanel No 25 comes on next, looking very nervous while the guys give her their taxi-tout-kwanaring-downtown-vibe lines. As they speak and it becomes more and more evident just what the fuck it is she has gone and done to herself by agreeing to be on the show in the first place, she breaks out into a cold sweat.
Then out of the blue a guy swoops into camera view with a handkerchief which he proceeds to dab all over her face. Chanel decides to go with that guy. Fabz asks for a reason. Chanel says, “I just like him,” which means, “He is just the easiest choice I can make and I need to get the fuck out of here.”
Fabz looks like she is trying not to laugh her ass off. Because that means she will have to buy a new one for next week.
Issa looked like, “Handkerchief. Why didn’t I think of that?”
Next up is Stella from Central. “Hi Stella,” goes Fabz. “Check out these niggas I’ve got and pick the ones you think you might go on a date with.”
Stella looks around, swerves that shit. She walks off the stage to look for better selection on Abanoonya.
Next we have Philomena, which is what I call all women above six foot two. She says she wants a funny guy. Issa’s face lights up. Who is taller than her. Issa’s face drops to the floor. Which is not that much of a distance.
He is like, “Please reconsider.” At this point you stop feeling sorry for him. Dude, have some self-respect. You are begging on the corniest dating show on TV.