Bad Idea: Witches In The Ride


Today I am going to present to you some thought-provocation. Prepare please, to have your thoughts provoked. No, don’t worry. I left that kind of provocation for Dr Nyanzi. Mine is safe to read in church.

Or is it? Let’s see.

Imagine you are a passenger in a taxi. If you are actually reading this in a taxi, don’t imagine. Just remember. If you are at home then you do as needed. You are one of fourteen passengers. Let’s go on

How It starts: What if someone in here is a witchdoctor? We would never know. What if two or more people in this taxi are practicing witchdoctors? Neither or none of them would be aware of the fact. Each would be sitting there calmly cocooned in the belief that they are the sole secret dark artist in the vehicle.

How It Proceeds: Until something happens, like maybe the driver’s marijuana intoxication reaches critical level and he (or she. I have not checked to find out for sure. These drivers are so shabbily nondescript that they could easily be of any gender.) decides to try and take off, thinking since planes taxi up a runway then fly, and there is already a taxi here, if running a certain way is applied, flying might follow, so he (or she) hits the accelerator they way he or she hits the joint and we are speeding dangerously up the new Bill to road.

Then next: Then the witch sees the future. “This will end with a crash in a ditch. Must preempt this,” they each opine. “Let me apply magic.”


Bubble Bubble: The first witchdoctor, “I shall give the driver what the driver wants. I shall have the ancestors lift the vehicle off the road. Let it fly. At least there are no ditches to crash into in the sky.”

Toil: Not aware of the presence of witch one in their shared space of course, witch two is struck by a premonition. “If I don’t intervene, this taxi will end up in a ditch. Let me call upon the demigods of inertia.” Inertia, as you know because during class you were paying attention not drawing cartoons of Mrs Nambogo with extra boobs, is the law that says an object in motion will remain in motion until a acted upon by an opposing force. Eg, a speeding taxi will remain speeding until a ditch says stop.

So witch two calls upon the demigods of inertia in Uganda to intervene and suspended this law and just make the stupid taxi stop moving arbitrarily without breaks and without ditches, just make it lazily slowly breeze along.

And Trouble: Then we have witch three. Witch three sees the future looming. Disaster is round the corner. A ditch awaits. Witch three must do something or instead of making it to his appointment at the minister’s office in time, he will be stuck in a ditch with a broken leg.

He thinks fast.

Okay. Got it. The main problem is that the ditch is made of intransigent brick and cement. (“Intransigent” means stuff that can break your bones if you crash into it, Henry. No need to look for a dictionary.)

Witch three reasons that the taxi will suffer damage in the ditch because it is made of metal and glass. But if it were made of something less hard, less solid, less subject to wreckage, it would be able to enter ditches with no adverse effects. If for example it were made of mist. So that is what witch three will do.


Hence: So we have witch one making the taxi leave the ground and head into the sky.

We have witch two making the taxi stop speeding and just waft lazily forward.

And witch three turns the whole thing and its contents into mist.

I see you read this and think. Absurd, impossible, ridiculous and never.

But I put it to you, sir, madam, child, doctor as the case may be,

How would you know? It might have happened today today today just now.

All you would see is a cloud above Kira road police. How do you know it wasn’t a taxi?

Think about it.

From my Sunday Vision newspaper column.