Bad Idea Encyclopedia: Fruits

One of the duties of the media in society is to unilaterally make decisions for you on what you should know, what you should think and what is right and wrong. We control you.

Having got the random statement featuring the information out of the way, let us do this thing called The Bad Idea Encyclopedia. Today we are going to talk about Fruits.

 

Definition:

Fruits are food items that don’t have legs, thigh, breast or ribs. They are eaten raw. Nobody fries them and tomato sauce doesn’t improve their taste. Fruit cannot be consumed on a pizza or a rolex. Fruits do not have any major detrimental effects on your health. In short, fruits are the most boring types of food.

Origins:

There are two theories of the origins of fruits. One is that fruits come from the small, meek brown lady with the green plastic basket who, as if by magic, suddenly appears at my shoulder every day at eleven when I am trying to work and whispers: “Schoose me.” It happens every day but it never fails to startle me out of my glasses.

I swear. I never see or hear her walk up the aisle. I am just there typing and suddenly this hissing sound at my shoulder strikes me and doubles my pulse rate. Fruits are dangerous.

Anyway, she sells assorted chopped up fruits in small packages around the office and as far as we know, she is the origin of fruits.

Another Theory:

At the dawn of time, before the fall of man, people lived in a paradise garden where all the food was awesome. If you wanted a rib, you could extract one from the animal without even having to slaughter it, so there wasn’t any of that mess.
Adam, the king of Paradise, and Eve, the first lady, had been warned by the Almighty God (whose incarnation shall be commemorated in a few day’s time during a ceremony that you should call CHRISTmas—none of that lazy nonsense mbu X as if you were not created with a full mouth) to not eat fruits. He said fruits suck and if they ate any, pain and suffering will enter the world and never leave. He was right, as we now know.

Forms of Fruits:

Fruits also serve as flavours of milkshake, ice cream and chewing gum.  

 

Uses of Fruits:

To prevent diseases. Fruits contain a substance called Vitamin C that is useful in fighting the infections that attack the body. Unfortunately, to get this so-called “vitamin C” you have to eat the actual fruits. You cannot use chewing gum. This is very mean of fruits.

However, as a technologically advanced civilization we have found ways of isolating vitamins in the form of tablets and health drinks so fruits are easily rendered unnecessary. In your face, fruits!

 

Other Uses of Fruits:

When fruits die and rot they release their spirits, which can be captured and liquefied and used as alcoholic beverages (known, of course, as “spirits”). This procedure is known as “fermentation” or as “getting this party started”. Many common spirits come from fruits, eg. Vodka comes from the vodka fruit. Whiskey comes from the whiskey fruit. Wine comes from grapes.