Bad Idea Throwback. Christmas Past

This was my Christmas column from last year. How things have changed.



Special Announcement hereby issued forth: In a few days there shall be held a worldwide ceremony to commemorate the birth of a religious “messiah” known as Jesus Christ. You may have heard of him. This ceremony involves the giving of gifts. You have to stop being a mean bastard and give kko some people some stuff, because Jesus, who was a “messiah”, gave his life for you. Stop being greedy, give to the needy, as the great poet said. Presenting: What gifts to give this Christmas.

Give someone a car: Because that is exactly what we need on the paltry few yards of pencil-thin road we have in this city: more traffic. Moreover, in this trying period of political transition, when everyone will be looking for the source of the next bonfire, it would be very generous to provide something for the lumpen hordes to set ablaze as a means of expressing their discontentment with whatever it is that was twisting their knickers. Really, Ugandans. Do you really expect anyone to believe that Besigye is the reason you looted those phones? I was supposed to go to that shop and get a hefty discount on a new handset that would allow me to take advantage of the new services offered by my mobile phone company. These days you can download fart sounds so that your phone sounds like it ate too many beans with its beer and pork last night. Now look, you went and looted their entire stock.

Give NRM a break: I know you are all worried and anxious, but picture the scenario—Miria as president and Janet as leader of the opposition. You see, things could be worse.

Give a scholarship: Yeah, the kids will love that. Getting school for Christmas.

Give a Visa: instead of convincing the deejays to stop trying to force an accent on air, (“Thart wars a sorng bar Farfty Cerntrr”) take then on a trip to Europe, so that they can soak up a real zungu accent. I recommend some place like Uzbekistan. Uzbeks have beautiful accents, and the airwaves would be infinitely beautified if we had more of  that Uzbek cadence in the way our music is presented.

Give a thought to the less fortunate: You should take a trip out of Kololo, leave that cocoon of opulence and luxury, that sheltered life, and open your eyes to reality; see the poverty and destitution that surrounds you. Do you know that there are people out there who cannot even afford mineral water? No, they bathe in regular water from the taps! And when their clothes get dirty or crumpled, they cannot just go to Sylvie Owori’s and get new outfits, the poor things have to find a way of cleaning the clothes and uncrumpling them, so that they wear them again. These wretched people live right under your noses. Like, they are in Muyenga and stuff.

Give penance for your sins: Assuming that penance is “given” (I am not a Catholic, I am Reformed High Apostolic Orthodox Baptist Church of Masada in denomination) then you should perform the rites that cleanse you of the stain of your iniquities. I heard you telling that woman that you had been a naughty boy. You should atone for all those drugs and all those thefts and all those lies and all that embezzling public funds and not giving me a share.

Give a teenager Elly Tumwine’s album: The kid needs to broaden his horizons. Of course he won’t like it, but when he complains say that it is what he asked you for. He shall protest, “I asked for EMINEM!” but blame it on his forced accent that made the names sound similar.

Give someone Valium: Is it nobler in mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and, by opposing, end them? To die: to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to?
Okay, someone email and say I plagiarised.