People often ask me, Baz, as a modern parent, what do you do when your children jump the fence?
I respond by feigning ignorance because I might want to write an article and to do that I need everyone to clarify the terms they use that might be unfamiliar to some readers, thus: “What is jumping the fence?”
They expound: It is when the children sneak out of the house at night, without permission or knowledge of the parent, usually over the fence to go to a disco, nightclub, bar or other such event, and commit underage drinking.
Then I answer with a smirk and a scornful laugh. Hah. No. My kids don’t.
My kids would never.
Let me have them tell you themselves.
Frasier, enlighten my readers on the reasons why not concerning you and fence jumping as a general passtime.
Chandler: Jumping the fence? Nah, man. Those are the struggles of the ghetto youth. Us we are emancipated. Ever since mum got out of jail and became rich, and since you yourself, dad, are not as broke as you used to be before Vision Group rose to such market dominance, we are no longer in that category. We ball, we don’t jump fences.
I asked Frasier, though.
Frasier: Thank you, Taataman. It is simple, really. I myself do not enjoy clubs. As you know I am not a man of few words. I require a considerable amount of space and time to express myself. In clubs, however, the music is often so loud that the only time you can communicate is in the microseconds betweet the DJ saying “You feelin alright” and everybody answering in the affirmative. Not enough for me to get the girl to understand that I am the right choice for her life.
Also, I should point out that they play Future. Future is a rapper who sounds so bad, that I would rather stay here and hear you snore on the sofa, no offence, Father, while we are all trying to watch Justified, than hear Future.
Chandler: That is another thing about clubs. Drinking. No, man. Dad, you are a great role model. We see you swaggering around with your whiskey glass, droning on and on, ranting and raving and we both, Frase and me, both realise that one thing in life we must avoid, is being like that.
Frasier: No offense, of course, you understand.
Chandler: If we were less intelligent we would be deceived by TV shows and movies which show drinkers as glamorous, but that would mean also believing that under the right circumstances we would be superpowered crime fighters…
Frasier: Movies lie. All the romantic lines I try to copy from movies flop whenever I use them. Lies, lies and lies.
Chandler: Speak for yourself. I used that line from Walking Dead on a girl once. She fell for it.
Frasier: Was that Charmaine? First of all, she is already your girlfriend, and secondly, she would fall for anything spoken in correct English.
It is at this point that I had to remind my boys about my word count and ask them to wrap it up.
Frasier: The most important reason, however, is that we are men of class. We are celebrities in this city. We can’t walk into a social gathering under the sordid circumstances availed by fence jumping.
Chandler: We have to roll up from a nice car, the bouncer has to greet us by name, and the DJ has to sharrout to us from the booth. We can’t be there like roaches hiding and scuttering around every time we suspect that we have seen an uncle or cousing in the club who might snitch.
Frasier: Speaking of calibre– do you know what people think of teenage boys in clubs? They think we are the scum beneath the scum. You see us in our skinny jeans and our lips dripping with satchet juice and our cracked voices and we think we are cool, but bambi, we are not. Better to just stay home and playstation, kids.