I got a tweet a nine am on Saturday, that ungodly portion of the morning, that wee wee hour, and it was egregious. It was a group tweet, sent not just to me but to five other people, and it was not telling any of us anything it was crucial to know at nine am on Sunday. It was just a link to a website selling super-expensive luxury homes.
Yeah. A spammer.
Now, I appreciate advertising when it is done well, on the rare occasions when it actually tells me something I need to know. But there is an art to advertising cleverly; you need to be shrewd, cunning, keen and calculating. You require talents usually only found in hawks and eagles which perch high above their victims and wait for the prefect moment then swoop once, with one graceful dive, music in motion, and in one flawless flight, grab the prey and fly away.
However some advertising isn’t so much swooping eagles as it is marabou storks carpet-bombing pavements with white splash.
The thing with advertising is that at its best it is magnificent. At its quite good, it is entertaining. At its merely okay it is efficient. At its average and normal it is intrusive and annoying but easily ignored. But when spam is advertising at its worst. When it is spam? Oh when it is spam? When it is spam you wonder what depths, what abyss is this that has opened up on the floor of what were already the darkest caverns of suckiness? What is this underneath the bottom of the lowest point? Spam is like finding a latrine inside a latrine. You take something already full of shit, and make room in it for more shit, then fill it.
Without delving into the state of my finances, which are none of your business unless you have a plan to improve them, let me just say I cannot even afford to rent a shelf in a cupboard in the kitchen of one of those luxury apartments. I don’t even know anyone who does. Birds of a financial feather flock together. This means I will not even spread the word.
Yet, here we were. Ikoteh Brian, giving me his number and offering me a tour.
I don’t know which appalled me the most: the fact that this guy decided nine am in the morning on Saturday is the time to just grab my name from wherever (the guy doesn’t even know me– he doesn’t even follow me on twitter ) and throw this waste of information at me, which is kamanyiiro; or was I more shocked by the fact of just how really really really really really fucking stupid the whole operation was.
Let me describe it for you.
Brian Ikoteh tweeted the link and his number twenty times that Saturday to a bunch of handles, including companies and people who don’t even live in Uganda. He also tweeted it to people who I personally know already have their own houses, and to a crapload of people I know who, even though they are doing quite well in their careers, cannot afford those apartments any more than I can.
Instead of tweeting Amama Mbabazi with this link, the guy is tweeting KK of XFM.
Are you not being violently struck in the metaphorical face by a hard virtual bitchslap of the fury of this stupidity? Are you not gobsmacked by how thoroughly moronic this whole operation is?
It’s like you want to sell a fleet of Wrangler Jeeps so you head off to stage eyo muyembe and start telling the people there waiting for taxis and bodas “Mercedez Benz and Jeep available.”
That is so stupid, I look at the tweets and I get cross-eyed.
I am betting Ikote was recruited to market the apartments when he razzle-dazzled someone by saying “social media marketing”, which is a magic word to companies these days. They hear it and are instantly hypnotized into handing over money. Social Media Marketing can works but…
- It only works if it is done right and…
- Many companies don’t know how to do it right so they keep paying dumbasses to do it wrong.
On June 1 Ikoteh Brian sent the name of his employer to 100 people through twitter but I’m going to hazard that only TWO of them were possible customers.
But wait. It gets dumber.
Ikoteh Brian, the dumbass spammer, has this as his twitter profile info:
“Before you go talking about me make sure what you are going to say is going to be an improvement to the silence.”
Yet he has no compunction about sending messages into my twitter silence to tell me that there are luxury apartments on offer that I can’t afford as if that improves my twitter silence.
So I sent off about four tweets on the subject of spam being annoying, intrusive and useless. And this was the response from Ikoteh Brian:
No, I haven’t said enough, you gormless, witless and remorseless niusance. I will not have said enough until I have a 800-word blog post. Mswww.