AkaPost from AkaDOPE

Ruyonga used to be a rapper. Now he gets on stage with neither sunglasses nor chain. What a sellout, being a mature, sensible, sincere and passionate artist who doesn’t even have a second guy on stage to shout the last word of each line for him. Ruyonga, that’s why you were left off Bad and Boojie.

He’s on with Essie who, while singing, is approached by legendary twitter proto-troll/wiseass @bwomono. Sometimes he is like a Batman villain on twitter. You know how Batman villains know that they are going to cause some damage, but they always have a cause and a reason for it. That’s why I like Bwomono. The rest of you just embraced the darkness so why so serious?

He is dancing in front of the stage, which inspired this picture and caption.

Next: Amaru has suspicious dimples. I don’t trust that it is not actually just one dimple that goes all the way through.

Her and Joel went on and made me feel… how can I express this feeling, how can I put in words how they made me feel? I felt a stirring I had not felt in years. I felt… I felt.. I felt like buying their CD.

Okay. We now turn our attention to members of the crowd. If you have a goatee, no mustache, shades on at seven pm, your shirt is unbuttoned and all the chest hair is bursting out as if you are wearing Winnie Nwagi’s wig bag, plus a gold chain, know this: you don’t look cool, you look like a human trafficker.

In other news, Kemi, Rachael from an early episode of Friends called from 1992. She says she wants her stonewash jeans back.

Then MC Yallah comes on. Now, I can’t understand a word she is saying, except when she slows it down to do the verse from Abakazi Bazira, that song that made me first say, “Okay, MC Yalla, I have allowed. I have Yallawed in fact.”

 

The first time I heard that verse, I was convinced that women are in fact bazira. Then I remembered that vulture-hearted nightdancer who ripped my emotions apart and amend to “I agree with the general sentiment, but exceptions can be identified.”

In the meantime, there are two cocktails called Wife Number One and Wife Number Two. I have been alternating prolifically between the two because for personal reasons I am getting drunk tonight. I actually wrote these notes on site while the wives were sloshing around my brain. I am surprised I can still read half of it.

MC Yallah and her co-performer Joash did a Panda Remix.

Wife Numbers One plus Two are conspiring in my head to make me think that if everyone is doing a Panda Remix I should do one, too. If Jay-Z is still rapping, why shouldn’t my old hip hop alter ego also come back?

Except for the fact that he was wack as all fuck. Really. My rapping was so lousy, I had so many struggle bars, that I was called Strago Baz.

 

I am the only rapper who can do a Panda remix that is actually worse than the original Panda. And that song was so bad, that if KellyAnne Conway sharted through yoga pants over the beat it would be an improvement.

Then we had DJ sets.

I am old. I’m not saying this because I want to hear simanyi Jimmy Cliff and Judy Boucher and whoever else invented music in the stone age; I am talking about the fact that I have officially crossed over from the part where you pay attention to hit music. I listen to a lot of new music. I find new music all the time. I want to hear KFlay, Rapsody, Too Many Zooz… basically, you know the way I come for AkaDOPE instead of going for Embutikizi? Yeah. That mentality.

So if the DJ is playing Wizkid, Zendaya, aani omulala? Young Thug, Lil Yucky… no disrespect– I am not Joe Budden so I can’t judge a person for liking Migos when I myself jammed the fuck out to Kid N Play– but really now is time for myself, Kojja, Uncle Baz, Gandalf the Grey to head over to the bar for another wife.

Okay. That was part one of my AkaDope post. You know the rules. We don’t go above 700 words. Part two when the mifi is charged.

 

Except for one thing: I took that photo above there. I took that photo. You think I can just go without posting it. Let me caption.

There is a lot of talent in Uganda. But one talent that is rare, is the talent to bring out other talent. There is no shortage of dreams, but the talent to bring dreams to life? Very very very few people have the ability to be both artist and impressario. Kemiyondo Coutinho doesn’t just do it, she does it on a level of extreme efficacy and awesomeness. She’s a superhero. Put her face on the money.