Opening Credits. Theme music, What a Bam Bam
In suburban Kampala, a bald part of the land where no plants are growing. It is in the shape of a long, winding strip. It is so cracked and crooked and jutted with humps and potholes and gullies and ditches that you have to be a Ugandan to call it a “road.”
A black Caldina clambers through the kiragged alleged road. Up and down and side to side, as if an LA Gangster hitting switches, but the car has no draulics.
Word to hip hop heads who understood that last sentence.
Anyway, inside the car, two men in suits. One with a dripping wet look hairstyle and the other with a puff.
Ragga Dee : You know what they call a Titanic Rolex in Kigali?
Michael Ross : They don’t call it a Titanic Rolex?
Ragga Dee : Nah, man. They don’t have Eddiesoft there. They don’t even know what Titanic is.
Michael Ross : So what do they call it?
Ragga Dee : Le Chapatte du omelette du fromage.
Michael Ross : Fromage?
Ragga Dee : Yeah.
Ross and Dee look at each other. Ragga Dee reaches into the thick, gooey wet look on his head and pulls a satchet from inside the afro. It is a serious Beckams Gin. He opens it with his teeth. Sucks out all the contents in one draught.
Michael Ross : Eh mama. Never to share even.
Scene 2: In a house in Banda.
Sheebah walks up the veranda looking harassed and angry. Behind her, burly and broad-shouldered, (thanks to CGI and make-up like the one that made Hulk big in Avengers) is Project Fame winner Davis Ntale.
He pushes Sheebah towards a door.
Sheebah : Msssweeetch. (A long one. You know that mouth of hers is wide so it has to take long)
Ntale pushes her into the bed.
Sheebah : Why the absolutely unmitigated fuck do you think you need to push me. That is not a question. Listen, I know what a door is, and that it is for going through. You don’t have to push me. I know how things work. Of the two of us, I am not the one who looks and sounds as if they had a retake before they could graduate from nursery.
Ntale : (Grunts) You talk. Much talk. Shut talk.
Sheebah : Whoever gave you this job definitely didn’t advertise in the classified section of a newspaper, you illiterate sack of leather and stench. Eugh. I said don’t push me! Idiot. What is in your skull? Mulokony fat?
Ntale : Get on bed.
Sheebah : Why?
Ntale : I want sex.
Sheebah : So?
Ntale : You give me sex.
Sheebah Opens her eyes as wide as her mouth)
Scene cuts away.
Scene 3: Back at Fatboy’s house. Fatboy is leaning against the verandah, looking deep. Like how those cops of True Detective be. Too serious.
The sky is grey. Winds are howling.
Rema comes out of the house.
Rema : I’m done.
Fatboy : Cool.
Fatboy enters the house.
Walks down the corridor.
Opens a door.
All this time suspense music is playing.
He opens the door.
Takes off his pants, squats on the toilet.
To hear what it sounds like, you have to click the thing below.
Ntale : I want sex.
Sheebah : Then go get some from something as dense as you. Like a bedbug. My legs are closed.
Ntale : Nawe. Some sex on?
Sheebah : I said closed. Closed like a restaurant which KCCA found rats in. Even closeder because after the mess they found they still allowed Uchumi to reopen.
Ntale : Thirst too real. Must get sex.
Sheebah : Have you tried Olx or Kaymu?
Just then there is a crash at the door.
Ntale : What…
Ragga Dee and Michael Ross burst into the room. Guns blazing.
Michael Ross : Say “what” again. I dare you! I double-dare you nyokobbi! Say “what” one more time!
Ragga Dee : We hear that people here have an illegal power connection. We are from UMEME.
Ntale : What?
Michael Ross : Hey, Sheebah.
Sheebah : Hi Mike. Whatchu doooin’?
Ragga Dee : Which one of you lives here? You have been stealing electricity!
Sheebah : Don’t look at me. I don’t live here. I was just kidnapped by this thug.
Ntale : Me just come here look for jook.
Sheebah : Mike, you can look at me all you like. (Winks)
Fatboy emerges from the loo
Fatboy : I know how to get my tablet back. She will pay for this. SHE WILL PAY FOR THIS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!