Previously on Above The Truth
Mysterious city tycoon FatBoy has been sleeping with pop starlet and rocker of nice hips Rema, when their peace is interrupted by a ninja break-in perpetrated by leggy cat-burglar Sheebah.
We meet the couple at the open door of the home contemplating what to do next.
Rema: She stole your tablet? Shit! Nooo! Wululululu! Ai bambe tukole ki! Ngai! What shall we doooo??!!
Fatboy: Don’t worry. The nude photos were on the laptop not the tablet.
Rema: Oh, really? Then I’m going back to sleep. Bye.
Fatboy crosses the room to the fridge. He squats and tries to reach under the fridge. He is too fat. He stretches up and opens the fridge. He removes a small green bottle labelled “Chinese Slimming Tea”. He takes a gulp. Then he reaches under the kawood thing the fridge sits on. He reaches all the way down. Then he withdraws an old Nokia 6230.
Fatboy: I hope it still has airtime on it.
Phone: Sorry, you do not have enough airti—
Fatboy: Gloria, it’s me. Fatboy.
Phone: Hi Fatboy. You are awake at this time? How is Rema? Scoop on Scoop says you have been giving her the live and kicking D.
Fatboy: You, find out where the limits of the parameters of your business terminate and the extents of my business commence and take care not to cross the boundary. Now, Gloria, help me. I have been robbed and I need to call The Cobra.
Gloria: You were kind of rude to me just then…
Fatboy: It’s my gimmick. I play an extreme misogynist. I spent years as one of the finest radio presenters in the land but I didn’t become a superstar until I put on this act. So don’t blame me. Blame the market.
Gloria: Fair. Let me hook you up with at least beeping power.
Fatboy: You really want me to beep the Cobra?
Gloria: Kawa. You have received 200 shillings.
A small slum house made of mud and wattle. Smoke emerges from a crack between the corrugated sheets that amount to the door.
The sound of a phone ringtone bursts out of the shack.
From inside the shack we hear a gruff voice, hoarse and badass, like Bruce Willis or this guy.
Voice: Yeah. Who dis. That is not a question. I gats caller ID. Whatchu want.
Fatboy (On split screen. I really should make the graphic and you see but that it will be tomorrow. I promise.): Cobra, this ain’t no time for you to play none a yer games! Get over here pronto!
Cobra emerges from the shack. He is played, of course, by, who else, Kyle Kushaba of Big Brother.
Kyle: I toljoo. I’m out da game! Git somebaddy else to do yer dirdy work!
Fatboy: Schupedi blarifaking! then return my deposit!
Kyle: (Looks at the lousy kazigo he calls his home) Okay let me come. By the way, some advance, boss. I need carbohydrates.
In Sheebah’s secret hideout. She enters the room. She takes off her ninja outfit. And remains nude. Because she is Sheebah and Sheebah prefers life like that.
She eats some mugoyo, and drinks a shot of kasese waragi.
She looks at her body looking for something else to remove, because she doesn’t feel naked enough. She notices that she has earrings. She takes them off. She sighs.
Sheebah: That’s better. Now, let me see…
She looks at the tablet.
Sheebah: Now how do you open this thing? Where is the ariel even?
She turns the tablet upside down.
Sheebah: Fuck this. Let me do drugs.
She does drugs. But this is just in the film. Sheebah in real life does not do drugs.
Back at Fatboy’s house. Fatboy is smoking a cigar and sitting on an armchair on the verandah when a green and yellow mountain bike rolls up.
Fatboy: Cobra, is that you?
Maurice Mugisha: No. Cobra couldn’t make it. You deal with me.
Fatboy: What happened?
Maurice Mugisha: With my bare hands I reached into his throat and grabbed his epiglottis and twisted it as I yelled, “Why do you talk with that accent! That is not a question!” and I strangled him. He was looking for a soda with his name on it. I gave him one with the word “Nyox.”
Fatboy: You are merciless.
Maurice Mugisha: That’s my middle name. Making me Emineminem. But this is not ID registration. Let us not talk about names, let’s talk business.
Fatboy: It’s a Code 441.
Maurice Mugisha: Girlfriend stole your tab?
Fatboy: I want her dealt with.
Maurice Mugisha: Sure. You want a coke? I have one here, but the guy I got it for is dead.
Will Fatboy drink the soda? Will Sheebah survive Emineminem? Let’s find