Previously on Love Letter Is A Letter Of Love, the heroine of the romance reveals that her mother’s name is Maria Ntambi, a name which turn out to be familiar to her suitor. What does this mean? Stay tuned and let’s find out
Are you the Ernest bazanye, famed and decorated newspaper columnist, renowned keyboard ninja of the most shaolin order and astronomically skilled word blaster?
If so, we need to talk.
Subject: I wuv u boo
My love for you is absolute and unimpeachable. There is no lock that can keep me out of the office of your heart because my love is already naked stripped bare and exposed for all to see.
However your father is acting all Mamdani in the mix and trying to keep us apart, claiming I am unfit, because I am older by eleven years.
You already know all this is as I outlined all in detail during our last correspondence. Haters gonna hate.
But Josephine, things just got worse.
I have requisitioned for a small troupe of exotic South African cows which should be arriving in Mombasa very soon.
Though I am sure your father values you higher than all material gifts and no price is high enough for his daughters hand, we are all Ugandans, so I am sue when he sees these fat Boer cows he will recalculate and consider me a bit younger. That is no longer going to be an impediment to our love.
But your mother. Love of mine. Your mother.
Your mother Maria Ntambi.
It turns out that I actually know her.
And by know her I don’t mean in the sense that I know Roland The Rolex seeker or Bagenda the vendor.
I know her in the sense that at some point in the early 2000s she scratched wounds into my back and made me sweat into them.
I know her in the way that I know it is possible to do reverse cowgirl upside down.
Does she still switch from Guinness to Nile when she is in her period?
I still love you, Josephine, and I will dedicate every Sheebah song to you for the rest of my life but I must be honest and open with you.
Mukwano, I chawed your mum.
Now that I have said it let us put it behind us and move on.
If I put, like, ribbons and shit on the Boer cows when I take them to your dad, will that be a nice touch?
Don’t tell him about me and your mum
Subject: RE: I wuv u boo
You had an affwhat with my muwhat ?
Subject: RE: RE: I wuv u boo
An affair with your mother, honey.
Subject: RE: RE: RE: I wuv u boo
You decrepit despicable, deplorable ,half-rat half-asshole! How could you?
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: I wuv u boo
Darling, I assure you she was very attractive back then, that is why I had to hit that. I don’t know about now since I have not seen her in years, not since she told me that her husband knew she was cheating and had threatened to form an armed brigade of unemployed youth, mostly dropouts from the riot police academy, and have them follow her around to shove into the asshole the head of any man who so much as looks at her with more than half an eye.
It has been over for years. I love you and only you. I dedicate Sili zari to you,
Your honeycwee for good
Subject: RE: RE: RE: I wuv u boo
But you man,
I hesitate to call you chibubu because I am distraught at the moment and my fingers are quivering as I type this. my acrylic nails have scratched the screen twice already. I will not attempt tricky spelllings.
My home has been the home of resentment and loathing since that day when I came home and found my parents arguing over the discovery of my mother’s affair with some journalist/blogger. It was that day that their marriage collapsed into an empty façade. Nowadays my father does not even look her in the eye and is always out with campus girls and unscrupulous job seekers who think he has connections.
Do you know how traumatising it is to know that by the time you graduate seventeen of your classmates were fully acquainted with your fathers O-face?
And now you want to introduce me to a life where my husband is fully acquainted with my mother’s finishing move?
Can I, Baz? Do you really think I can?
Because I don’t think I can.
I doubt it.
I probably can’t.
Subject: RE: Query
You ARE the one!
It’s been so long? How have you been? It has been ages. We should link up and catch up. Do you remember the wine glass trick from that nightclub in Jinja from 2008?
Yeah. I bet you are thinking about it right now, aren’t you.
Naughty boy. Get in touch with me and I spank you.