A Letter To Magufuli From The Rest of Africa. Me on behalf of.

Dear Mr Magufuli,


Or wait. How are you addressed?

Vipi Magufuli,


I am writing to you on behalf of other Africans. Welcome to the pantheon of African presidencies. We can see that you did not waste any time getting to work. The moment you got your lanyard with the state house email address you were out there presiding the ass off things! You go, boy!

Good work.


Like at the hospital. We heard about the hospital. You went to a hospital, and found that it was in a poor state. It was smelly, and wrong, and lopsided and the nurses had acne and it was all crap.

“Who is responsible for this?” you demanded to know.

Though, being Tanzanian, of course, your excellency probably said, “Lesponsible”. We know this is how it is with Tanzanians.

Then the hospital director goes like, “Well, this is a government hospital, so that means The President of Tanzania. That’s who’s responsible. Do you want to have a word with him?”


At which point you very rightly fired the smartass. Yeah. You have to show these people who da man is from day one. Every time Museveni looks at Besigye he realises that when it comes to medics, get rid of them at the first sign of lugezigezi. Don’t wait for them to cause trouble.


Then after that we heard that you banned travel abroad for your nation’s civil servants. They say this is because of the L/R thing and the fact that so many places abroad are in English, yet Tanzanians don’t do that language very well. I don’t know if that was not a bit drastic. Granted some of the national representatives of Tanzania are kind of embarrassing, like that guy from Project Fame who said he would give Juliana the good lovin’ if she let him win.


And everyone who goes to Big Brother from Tz.


But not all Tanzanians diplomatic ties should be constrained. For example, there are people in Africa who need Tanzanians. Like Zari.

Zari, she’s getting on in years. She gets lonely, and yet she has needs.


And no Ugandan guy wants her because we all know she used to sleep with a sangoma, so that means she needs that Tanzanian boy.

I have to draw the line at the miniskirt ban, though. And I am speaking on behalf of the whole of Africa.

You have not officially refuted the social media story that you had called for a ban on the wearing of miniskirts in your country, so I continue to hope that it was just a rumour.

Dude, Tanzania cannot ban minis. Tz babes can have them legs, you man! Eh!

I heard that your concern was that miniskirts cause the sexual appetites of immoral men to rise and lead to them having sex, which, in your understanding, is the cause of AIDS.

Let me show you this. This is a Ugandan called Musimenta.


Look at him.


He is the most pervert-looking sleazebag in Uganda. Don’t look at him for too long. I suspect that if you keep looking at that photo you will get internet-transmitted visual gonorrhea from the sight of him.

I mean how sleazy can a man look?

I bet he never sees a woman’s clothing for more than twelve seconds. Twelve seconds and he has already mentally undressed her.


I don’t think anything stops him. Traffic cop, woman in gomesi, car mechanic in overalls, if it’s a woman, I suspect that he will eye-rape it.


If I were a woman and I bumped into someone like this, I would rather be wearing a miniskirt, Magufuli. Because it is easier to run away in a short skirt.


Man, the guy looks so sleazy I had to put condoms on my fingers before I typed his name. And I still need to go and wash my computer and my mifi router.

Dude, I will keep in touch. Beela steady.


Love from Uganda