Action movie eyes on the lutimbe. Ugandan version of Liam Neeson on his mobile phone really mad at other guy who, it turns out, has been sleeping with Liam’s wife.
Ugandan Liam Neeson should be called something Ugandan. Like Liam Wekesa.
So Liam Wekesa is on the phone with the dude who has been serving the extramarital D to Mrs Wekesa and is furious. He snarls in a low breathy tone, “I will find you and I will kill you.”
That is when the public bursts in to plead with him to show mercy.
Everyone: Nooooo! Don’t! He is an MP! That will cost the taxpayer fifty million.
Yes, not only do MPs have affairs with our wives, they also intend to award themselves fifty million shillings for each of their funerals.
The natural question is this:
Q: If he is trying to steal your wife, why don’t you let him keep her?
Because I also want her, you insensitive brute! Don’t you understand love? Love is not chicken, nti if someone spits on your KFC, you just let them eat the whole thing. Love is love!
The other question is, what makes a dead MP worth fifty million shillings?
First of all, let us pray for the long life and health of our Parliament, because if anyone dies in the next week while this post is still on front page, it will look very awkward.
Secondly, I can see why fifty ma is a good estimate. First of all, there will be a large turnout at the funeral and we will need plenty of catering to take care of all those people. Each category will cost something substantial.
- His family and friends
- The wives he was sleeping with who actually loved him– it wasn’t just a fling– and so they needed to go and pay their respects, too.
- The wives she was sleeping with who as above.
- The husbands she was sleeping with.
- Although, demographic studies show that they will also be joined by an assortment of toyboys who caught feelings for their sugar mummy and now are just as bereaved as the proper boyfriends/husbands.
- Those who, as the old joke tells us, are just here to make sure.
- MPs rarely stay skinny. The house of parliament makes one fat and this means extra labour and extra grave space is needed to accomodate the big bloated ass.
- MPs are also getting sh200million cars. If an MP kicks it, the rest will have to show up to the funeral, too. And you can’t park all those sh200million cars in free bush. You will have to build a sort of airstrip I think.
- Clerics from the Parliamentarian’s professed faith and denomination. Ironically.
- Wifi. For the iPads. You had forgotten the iPads?
- Cocaine. Don’t ask questions. Are you a narc?
- Microphones. If it was one of those MPs who never speak, we need to give them a chance to put in a final word. I understand that corpses belch as a result of bacteria multiplying in the stomach.
- If the public is going to pay 50million, we should get our money’s worth. At least let us be entertained. I think we should have Cindy there doing a live concert.
- Finally, as much of the 50 million should be spent in the constituency in which the bloviator is being buried to as to improve the local economy. If you are not sure whether that is a joke or not, neither am I.
Okay. I’m done. Check out my soundcloud page, by the way, and see Random Chaps, a podcast I did with Rudy, the Evil One.