I have not been blogging for a while. I’ve been busy, okay? Didn’t you know I was going to be a podcast producer next? And I have to learn how to talk on a mic. It’s not as easy as Siima makes it look. I shall return to being amusing to you soon, though. In the meantime, this is what you missed if you didn’t read my column in Sunday Vision last year when I was still prolific.
Christmas is looming, I am afraid, with all its woes and travails and trials and strife. It happens every year. Like that herpes of yours. Sorry, but we just have to deal.
Christmas is a pain. First of all because people say ExMass as if we are celebrating an entity being burnt for fuel. That was a physics joke for those who paid attention in class. When you burn something for fuel you convert matter into energy so the energy is formerly mass. You get it now? I am intellectual. I am not Bukumunhe.
At least I didn’t say exmass like Entropy. Cos the university is even closed.
Then there is the worst thing about this season. Boney M Christmas carols. Boney M is the worst thing not just about Christmas but about life. We just don’t notice because for most of the year they stay shutting up.
But Boney M, you people? Boney M! Swipes hands and says “Eh!” in a Luganda way.
Fact: Boney M is objectively the worst song in the world. It has been scientifically confirmed by quantum physics professors at CERN lab using readings from the Large Hadron Collider. They determined that Boney M is the only musical at in recorded history to exceed 19000 megafecs, fec being, as we all know, the basic unit of how much a thing sucks.
Boney M charts higher than Fetty Wap (14588mfs), Level 32 Of Candy Crush (17330mfs) and War.
Facts : Global Warming was discovered in 1978, which is the year Boney M released their Christmas album.
I am not saying that this is conclusive proof that they destroyed the planet but someone might want to look into it. There is no smoke without fire.
Fact 3: I used to ask myself, Baz, what have you done to deserve this? None of your various iniquities are grand enough to justify Boney M. Until I realized that this is a plague that inflicted us all. All Ugandans. This punishment is for all nod us collectively for a year of Ugandan sin.
Fact: We spent the year being corrupt, malicious and cruel, entering taxis with other passengers knowing full well that we had not showered since Sunday, taking screenshots and reposting then without context in WhatsApp groups, rioting at Makerere, driving Prados the way you Prado-driving idiots drive them, destroying the environment, harbouring impure thoughts regarding the members of the choir, wearing socks with sandals, WhatsApp calls, using Tinder, telling children lies about where they came from, stealing my mug at office, cronyism, urination on roadsides…
To mention but a few.
Did You Know: Boney M is made up of four people. Bobby Farrell the male. The global toilet brush industry lost a great resource when he resigned his afro and went off to be a queen dancer
Jezebel: The black female whose voice can very easily resurrect king Joffrey if we are not careful. I know he is fictional but just don’t risk playing boney m near a Game of Thrones dvd.
Those of you who don’t know who king Joffrey is just replace the name with whoever you hate the most. But not Bukumunhe. You guys, Bukumunhe isn’t that bad. Come on.
Vampirica Maxima: The one who is secretly the goddess of cats. Cats. Need I say more?
Nazzike: Her voice makes you sober, and the more expensive the things you were drinking the faster she drains it.
How to deal: Practice your aim. The music usually comes from mounted speakers that are vulnerable to flying soda bottles. Ensure that you throw the bottle so that the bottom part strikes the speaker first. That way you cause the most damage.
Secondly : Go with Aunt Rosebert. She is loud and incessantly so. All she does is talk and more. This chick can be in a riot with Besigye and MUK you will still hear her voice.