The Great Ntare Food Heist

Now this is a story all about how some teacher’s lunch got twist-turned upside down. I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how his guests ended up eating cassava — I ran out of rhyme. Anyway, presenting, the story. Dramatis Personae: The main character is called Timothy Bukumunhe. That [...]

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TV In The Car? Are You Thinking With Your Intestines?

If you have a television in your dashboard, you really need to look again at the direction your life is taking. This will not be the first bad decision you have made yet– there will be a chain of shitty choices that lead to this– and if you don’t pause for some serious stock-taking, it [...]

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Who or what is our BBA Africa Representative?

Name: Stella Nantumbwe Alias: Ella Other Aliases: Uganda As in: Miss Uganda. So she is Ms Stella Uganda. Height: Way up there. Mostly due to the legs, which are quite protracted. They go longer than Busta Rhymes’ career. I mean, I am not complainig but does one really really need all taht? Chick is almost [...]

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Miss Uganda UPDF: Beauty with An Agricultural Purpose

The militarisation of beauty is finally here. The moment we have all been waiting for. When Salim Saleh suggested that the UPDF, which is now into promotion of agriculture programs, should take on the Miss Uganda pageant, in a bid to popularise farming among the youth, some of us thought he was just riffing, the [...]

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An Open Letter To Eddy Kenzo

Dear Kenzo, Greetings to you. (And greetings to the person translating this to you.) I am writing to congratulate you on the can of ass whupping you opened on that journalist yesterday. It was beautiful. Kenzo, I enjoy your music quite a lot. I thought I was a big fan of your work. But when [...]

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Who Or What Is Anaconda?

Nikki Minaj is from the famous Mayanja music clan, which also features Jose Chameleone aka Joseph Mayanja, AK47 aka Douglas Mayanja, Weasel aka Christoburse Mayanja, Ronald aka Lonadi Mayinja Mayanja, Stecia aka Stecia Really and Tom The Mith Mayanja. Nikki Minaj was born Nicholas Mayanja but changed her name when her penis was cut off [...]

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Census Questions For The Census Takers

We have had the Census takers come to our homes and invade our privacy asking us all sorts of questions about our goats and chicken and sexual histories and demographics, as if we don’t have human rights. I have the right to privacy. It’s my life. Mind your business. Wujja sepikki yo, as the wisest [...]

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Take Back Uhuru’s Car

  You may have heard that Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta lost a real life game of Grand Theft Auto Nairobi last week. Someone stole his car. A vehicle belonging to the presidential fleet of limos was stolen outside the city limits last week. Now. Really. Ssuuna, we know it was you. This has Ugandan written [...]

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Taxi Strike. The Untold Story. From the (or A) Horse’s Mouth

Taxi strike paralyses city. That was the news on Monday when industrial action by Uganda Taxi Drivers And Operators Association left many Kampalans stranded at their homes, unable to get to work. Most saw it as a painful inconvenience (or, if you have a car an awesome early Christmas) and much was tweeted. But nobody [...]

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Be My D. Recap. Short Boys Need Love, Too.

  Be My D., starring Anita Fabiola. And her hips which are brought to you by I Feel Like Chicken Tonight. The show begins by bringing out the array of homies who had been brought from the detention centres, rehab facilities and Lumumba hall to look for women who you would think should know better [...]

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