So there I was, in my usual, cocky, smirking, sniggery professional-humourist way, typing out potshots at singer Jackie Chandiru, and chuckling at my very own jokes as I did it.
We wrote an interview with the glinty mole beneath her lower lip for Plan B and, during google chats, made a few naughty comments regarding her legs.
But don’t be fooled. Just because I’m talking shit, doesn’t mean I don’t recognise game. The fact is, and I have a tweet somewhere that will attest to it, I lately became a huge fan of Chandiru. Before this, she was just one of the singers out there, but after Golddigger and Superman, I had to clear space in my trophy cabinet for a new entrant.
...
That's right, bitches. You better hide!
An earworm, according to an expert formerly called Minty, is a tiny legless arthropod that gains access to the chochlea via the lobe and entrenches itself in the flesh. The only way to dislodge this parasite is by introducing another, perhaps more pleasant earworm into the same area.
An earworm is also a phrase from a song that enters your mind and just keeps spinning in there over and over again all day until it makes you sick. It can also make the people around you sick if you find yourself absentmindedly humming it out loud.
The only way to stop it is to start another one. Perhaps from a better song. Otherwise you could be stuck with freakin...
What does a novelist do when he or she (he in this case) finds himself in Uganda, where neither Penguin, Random House, Barnes nor Noble ever set foot? Does he fly to America? But he wasn’t given a visa. So does he then not write the novel. That’s what I did.
Or that’s what I thought. Until the idle typing I had been doing in between bits of actual work at office began to take the shape of a real story and not a blog post, so I just went ahead and wrote it. I had a novel there.
So, what does a novelist do when he has a novel and Random House, Penguin, Barnes and Noble still haven’t called? He lets the novel gather dust on a C-Drive somewhere.
Actually, I wrote this so long ago, the co...
The notebook crisis is mounting. It’s about to become a full-fledged national issue. I think we are going to have to strike, too.
The notebook shortage that has hit Ugandan bookshops, I mean.
It’s affecting us intellectuals, the kind of people who often have clever ideas and thoughts that they need to jot down on paper. Our thoughts are far cleverer than those that you need to type out as status updates. I don’t mean to sound snobbish and superior about this, I don’t want to come of as if I believe that our sudden brainwaves are necessarily sharper and keener than those of people who don’t carry notebooks, I don’t want it to seem as if I am saying we are collosal geniuses wit...
We patriots are always trying to do our bit to build Uganda. We believe in proactive solutions. We don’t just sit on TV complaining about how tired we are of the sausage, we go out and be the change, you know? Betta recognise.
One of the things we do is we buy Ugandan-made products wherever possible. It is all in the spirit of supporting local industry.
Yesterday I became a casualty of patriotism, however, when I bought a locally- made processed juice product. It was hot, I was tired, my throat was parched and my soul which is so in love with Uganda longed to see her industrial development.
So I got into the shop, picked up a bottle of something orange and Ugandan, bought it and took a...
I told you this thing was bad for your mind and you would not listen, now look. In spite of the evidence that Social Networking Makes You Stupid, you continue to chat, blog, tweet and facebook as if you have all those braincells to spare.
But it’s already becoming evident that facebook and social networking are making us stupid. And it’s not the mysteriously vanished vowel-creation lobe of the brain that I’m talking about: spelling without vowels is irritating to some but it’s not categorically a sign of diminished cleverness.
There is a whole litany of skills and abilities that constant facebook use weakens. Your concentration span and memory retention being just two of them (hit th...
I remember Transformers II: Legend of The Fallen as the ultimate proof of the coolness of robots. This movie took the case and nailed it to the ground with force that cannot be contested: Robots are cool. Let me explain.
This movie, Transformers II: Revenge of The Fallen had the following salient characteristics.
a) Bullshit acting
b) Pointless story
c) A title that is so long and mealy-mouthed I can’t even bother to cross-check and see if I have been consistent in mentioning it
d) An extended scene of robots just being on the screen doing robot things, a scene so jumbled and inexplicable that after the first five minutes, I even gave up trying to...
Education is very important for the continued progress of our nation, especially now, in this time of global financial crisis, when we need to steel ourselves against the prospect of hardship that will undoubtedly follow when Sarah Palin and her VP-to-be Oprah Winfrey ascend to the White House in 2012. You people, we need to make sure the next generation of Ugandans is fully educated so that we can survive.
That is only one of the reasons I would rather my kids stayed in school all year round. The other reason I am so deeply opposed to school holidays is that it means they come home.
On Saturday morning I sauntered lazily into my sitting room to have my post-slumber stupor suddenly shatter...
Yes, you!
There is only one traffic rule, oh People Who Walk In Front Of Me: If you are going to do that, you have to do it fast.
This rule is for your own good. It’s not wise to assume that the the restraint and self-control I have been practicing for the past few years is going to last. Every time one of you heaves your fat bums into my path and then begins to waddle and dawdle so slowly that it almost seems as if you are moving sideways more than forward, the whole world finds itself just that little closer to a cataclysm. Every time one of you decides that your behind should be in front and then insists on this arrangement, resisting my attempts to overtake by walking right in the midd...
The Vision Group, my employers, have a website where they occasionally, if the mood strikes right, post stories they published in print the Sunday before. The mood struck right last Sunday, so we have the very informative investigative piece I wrote about why teachers are such bastards, I hope it opens old wounds and makes you run crying to your psychiatrist.
And this week’s Bad Idea if you are so inclined.
Now, a drumroll. You know her as Mildred, I call her Red Sonja, her enemies know her as Ms Kyrte, a name so fearsome they can’t even pronounce it. She wrote this:
There’s a theory that alleges that dreadlocks aren’t really hair. They’re what brilliance looks like when it’s e...
