Miss Uganda UPDF: Beauty with An Agricultural Purpose

The militarisation of beauty is finally here. The moment we have all been waiting for. When Salim Saleh suggested that the UPDF, which is now into promotion of agriculture programs, should take on the Miss Uganda pageant, in a bid to popularise farming among the youth, some of us thought he was just riffing, the [...]

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An Open Letter To Eddy Kenzo

Dear Kenzo, Greetings to you. (And greetings to the person translating this to you.) I am writing to congratulate you on the can of ass whupping you opened on that journalist yesterday. It was beautiful. Kenzo, I enjoy your music quite a lot. I thought I was a big fan of your work. But when [...]

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Who Or What Is Anaconda?

Nikki Minaj is from the famous Mayanja music clan, which also features Jose Chameleone aka Joseph Mayanja, AK47 aka Douglas Mayanja, Weasel aka Christoburse Mayanja, Ronald aka Lonadi Mayinja Mayanja, Stecia aka Stecia Really and Tom The Mith Mayanja. Nikki Minaj was born Nicholas Mayanja but changed her name when her penis was cut off [...]

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Census Questions For The Census Takers

We have had the Census takers come to our homes and invade our privacy asking us all sorts of questions about our goats and chicken and sexual histories and demographics, as if we don’t have human rights. I have the right to privacy. It’s my life. Mind your business. Wujja sepikki yo, as the wisest [...]

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Take Back Uhuru’s Car

  You may have heard that Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta lost a real life game of Grand Theft Auto Nairobi last week. Someone stole his car. A vehicle belonging to the presidential fleet of limos was stolen outside the city limits last week. Now. Really. Ssuuna, we know it was you. This has Ugandan written [...]

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Taxi Strike. The Untold Story. From the (or A) Horse’s Mouth

Taxi strike paralyses city. That was the news on Monday when industrial action by Uganda Taxi Drivers And Operators Association left many Kampalans stranded at their homes, unable to get to work. Most saw it as a painful inconvenience (or, if you have a car an awesome early Christmas) and much was tweeted. But nobody [...]

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Be My D. Recap. Short Boys Need Love, Too.

  Be My D., starring Anita Fabiola. And her hips which are brought to you by I Feel Like Chicken Tonight. The show begins by bringing out the array of homies who had been brought from the detention centres, rehab facilities and Lumumba hall to look for women who you would think should know better [...]

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Rules For The Cinema. Pay Attention

We have people who attend cinemas a lot these days, and this is both a good thing, because we get to watch Rocket and Groot, and a bad thing because other people get to do the same thing. At the same time. Annoyingly.   Development is about improving life, removing the flaws and working towards [...]

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Luluuuuuu… What Happened After

      Lulu : Just a minute. (glug, glug.) Who is it? (glug glug).   Mum: Did you mobile money me a quarter of the rent, Lulu? Is that where you get the right to lock doors in my house?   Lulu: Is the door locked? I have no idea how that happened. I [...]

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MTN, I Swear. Leave Me Alone. Go Away. I Don’t Want!

MTN is still doing it. Still shufflefooting around me trying to offer me tripe through their spam SMS. It so desperate and sad. It’s like you are following me around with cold damp boiled maize in a kibbo begging me to turn round and at least consider telling you to fuck off, WHILE I’M GOING [...]

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